EVERYTHING you need to know about a thing you don’t need to know about.
Apple boss Tim Cook has unveiled the company’s new watch to a roomful of specially-selected drones. Soon you will buy it.
Here are the facts:
● Looks shit.
● Available in a $10k version that comes with an app for murdering rival oligarchs.
● It’s apparently very good for arranging to meet people for coffee, which is really all that Apple users do with their lives.
● The iWatch tells you everything you need to do throughout your existence, making thinking redundant.
● Costs roughly the same as an impossibly beautiful prostitute, if you want to weigh that up against a watch that reminds you to call work.
● Every 1000th iWatch is possessed by the spirit of a deceased factory worker, which may or may not be vengeful.
● If you watched the launch live online you do not deserve to be alive.
● Your subconscious mind is already constructing reasons why you need it.
● Resistance is futile.