The Mash guide to the iWatch

EVERYTHING you need to know about a thing you don’t need to know about.

Apple boss Tim Cook has unveiled the company’s new watch to a roomful of specially-selected drones. Soon you will buy it.

Here are the facts:

● Looks shit.

● Available in a $10k version that comes with an app for murdering rival oligarchs.

● It’s apparently very good for arranging to meet people for coffee, which is really all that Apple users do with their lives.

● The iWatch tells you everything you need to do throughout your existence, making thinking redundant.

● Costs roughly the same as an impossibly beautiful prostitute, if you want to weigh that up against a watch that reminds you to call work.

● Every 1000th iWatch is possessed by the spirit of a deceased factory worker, which may or may not be vengeful.

● If you watched the launch live online you do not deserve to be alive.

● Your subconscious mind is already constructing reasons why you need it.

● Resistance is futile.

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Woman inspires others by not uploading photos of post-baby body

A 26-YEAR-OLD woman has not posted pictures of her body shortly after having a child, inspiring others to be less moronic.

Mother-of-one Helen Archer decided not to take or upload pictures of herself in a bikini three months after having a child because that is a fucking stupid thing to do.

She said: “It wouldn’t even cross my mind to do that, even if I was into exercise or whatever. I’m not a twat.

“I wasn’t really aware that it was even something that anyone did.

“People are weird.”

New mother Susan Traherne said: “Not seeing pictures of Helen’s taut stomach and arse has given me the motivation I need to eat normal food and mind my own business.

“My goal is to not worry at all about the opinion of loads of strangers and horny weirdos by September. Basically, to be sane.

“I’ve cut down my internet intake to five minutes a day, and I’m reading books whenever I can.”