Cyclists told to take proper drugs

CYCLISTS have been told to take proper drugs because that might make their sport vaguely interesting.

As a new report claims that the sport is still plagued with dull performance-enhancing chemicals, experts warned the cyclists at all levels could benefit from some hallucinogens.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “If you look at the drugs being consumed in cycling, they are tedious hormones with really long names that do nothing to stimulate the mind.

“If bike riding is to shake off its image as the preserve of drab, joyless man-machines then it needs to embrace drugs like LSD and magic mushrooms, which may not improve lap times or whatever but would make it great for spectators.

“Imagine Lance Armstrong riding in just a nappy and silver body paint, like the bass player in Parliament-Funkadelic, tripping so hard his third eye is clearly visible on his forehead.

“He’s so fucked he lifts off and cycles into the sky, trailing stardust behind him.

“I would watch that.”

Amateur cyclist Roy Hobbs said: “I was dabbling with EPO to increase my physical stamina.

“Then someone gave me some MDMA. I immediately realised that cycling is futile and just lay on the roadside, grinning like a loon and feeling so alive.”

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Last remaining CD tower demolished

THE UK’s last remaining CD tower, capable of holding more than 88 albums, has been destroyed.

Campaigners fought to preserve the final surviving example in Wrexham, a blondewood tower with space at the base for club compilation double CDs, but were overruled after it was declared unsafe. 

Campaigner Eleanor Shaw said: “We believe that this one dated all the way back to 1991, based on the pristine copy of Pearl Jam’s Ten in its upper reaches. 

“We’ve already lost the country’s historic cassette tape carousels, and now this.”

The chrome or teak-veneered structures were once common sights across the country, where they loomed symbolically in living rooms. However English Heritage refused to save the remaining examples after already wasting more than £100 million converting CD towers to DVD towers.

Demolition expert Roy Hobbs said: “We can’t afford to be sentimental. At any moment the rack could give way and half the town would be buried beneath The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill.”