The six stages of self-loathing after you've clicked on clickbait

UNABLE to resist the temptation to find out what a 90s actress looks like now, or whether a dog had seen a ghost? Here are the stages of hating yourself for clicking: 


This is going to be fun! Finally you’ll find out the insider secrets of airline travel or if Molly Ringwald has f**ked her face up with plastic surgery.

Dissipating enthusiasm

Ah shit it’s a slideshow. There are 30 f**king pages of this. It’s going to take ages, and you’re beginning to question whether you actually care if an Israeli fighter pilot saw a giant UFO in 2001.

Every other page is a shitty advert

All clickbait is surround by adverts for shit products for stupid people. If you’ve got a functioning brain you probably don’t need Grammarly, and why are they encouraging you to buy a nasal trimmer? You don’t have huge clumps of hair protruding from your nostrils like an ogre. Or do you?

It’s bullshit

You’ve invested 10 minutes in clicking through this crap to see if there really is an underwater Millennium Falcon or if Billy Zane is dead. You feel a bit stupid and almost dirty, as if you need a shower.

The end is not in sight

Was there a ghost in a guy’s house in Montana, or is there a mundane explanation like a raccoon stuck in the chimney? Are you an idiot for even caring? It’s too late now, and you hate yourself for being so guillible, but you’ve invested too much time to stop. You have to keep clicking.

Total regret

That woman off Charlie’s Angels actually looks as you’d expect at 70. She is old but has had a rich and fulfilling life. By contrast, you’re going to waste yet more of your life reading about former Baywatch stars who got into crystal meth.

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Dirty fries just chips we've dropped, admits pub

THE dish pubs call ‘Dirty Fries’ is just normal fries that were dropped in the kitchen, it has emerged. 

Roy Hobbs, landlord of The Bird in Hand in Bexhill, admitted the guilty-pleasure dish is smothered in cheese and barbecue sauce to disguise the very obvious taste of floor.

He continued: “Yeah, a whole load of fries get dropped on the journey from kitchen to table. It’s a hazard of the job. But food waste is bad. It says so in the Guardian. 

“So rather than throw the strays away, we sweep them up, give them a quick refry, chuck them in a basket, chuck a load of shit on them and serve them up as ‘dirty fries’ for £12.50 a pop.

“It’s profitable, it’s upcycling, and we can’t be done for false advertising because the fries are genuinely f**king filthy. Especially the ones that have been behind the units a few weeks. At a time when pubs are struggling, it’s been a real boon for us.

“We’re hoping to branch out into other ‘dirty dishes’. Out-of-date milk, spoiled meat – they’ll be trendy soon, right? Hipsters will eat anything.”

Customer Nathan Muir, tucking into a basket of dirty fries, said: “I think you’ll find I don’t care because I’m pissed.”