There never was a 'Kate', Palace admits

BUCKINGHAM Palace has admitted that no such person as ‘Kate Middleton’ ever existed outside of digital imaging software. 

Following a cyberattack in January, the Palace no longer has the ability to animate the Princess of Wales character and has made the decision to retire it and tell the public the truth.

A Palace spokesman said: “This is the heir to the throne. And we know how disastrously wrong it went the last time we tried to get one a decent wife, don’t we?

“William was blown away with The Phantom Menace’s amazing CGI, so we contracted a crew of digital artists and told them to create a woman fit for a Prince. And we think you’ll agree they did an incredible job.

“We distilled every aspect of the classic English rose, made her a commoner so there would be no record of her existence, and with motion capture from none other than Andy Serkis created the perfect Princess.

“But she’s been getting a bit glitchy in recent years – we couldn’t stop the neck aging – because she’s still running on a pair of PowerMac G5s from 2005, so this hack is the perfect excuse to scrap the whole project and start again. We’ll give the next one bigger boobs.”

He added: “Oh, the children are real. I saw them hatch with my own eyes.”

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I hate my life, says only honest person on LinkedIn

THE only honest profile on LinkedIn has shared that he hates his job, boss and life and could not give a free-form f**k about his employer’s strategic vision. 

Digital outreach manager Martin Bishop told his 198 LinkedIn connections he was ‘delighted to share’ that ‘every twat on this site does nothing but bollocks for money’.

He continued: “I don’t know what SEO stands for and neither do you pricks. I’ve checked. And you can stick DevOps, agility, ESG, synthesis and your action points up your arse.

“I’m bored all day and bored all night. The only difference between work and recreation is the size and orientation of the glowing rectangle I’m staring at, and even that line’s blurry.

“At work, I’m drowing in an ocean of ungiven f**ks about my core competencies. I’m half-heartedly looking for another job, but can I sign up to a business vision when businesses do not have visions? They’re not Joan of pissing Arc.

“I even hate LinkedIn itself. The endless cacophony of people parroting ‘congratulations!’, or ‘Tom Logan celebrates this’ ‘Julian Cook finds this insightful’. The only reason we’re all here because we want more money, so shut up.”

LinkedIn connection Francesca Johnson commented: “Congratulations, Martin! Finding this insightful.”