No seriously, what the f**k’s going on with Kate? asks Britain

A NOW quite worried Britain has requested everyone stop pissing about and explain what actually has happened to the Princess of Wales. 

Britons who have no real interest in the Royals beyond paying for them are suddenly realising that a two-month absence and a digitally manipulated photo are strong grounds for suspicion.

Nathan Muir of Reading said: “So if they can’t even release a recent photo of her, where the f**king hell is she?

“I’m not demanding she return to her Royal engagements. If a Lord Mayor has to snip the ribbon on a new children’s ward I couldn’t give a bugger. But we, her loyal subjects, are very pointedly not being told shit at this point.

“Look, we’re not trying to be intrusive. When you announced ‘planned abdominal surgery’ we all kept our speculation to friends, family, colleagues and strangers at bus stops. We ignored America’s mental conspiracy theories.

“However, at the point where you can’t even produce a photo of her sitting down with her kids, we have a duty of care to ask what in f**k’s happening. You’ve told us we love and cherish her, yeah? So can we find out what’s going on?”

A Royal spokesman said: “You don’t love her. In fact you don’t like her much and wouldn’t even notice if she was gone.”

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Now I'm beginning to doubt whether the Queen even met Paddington, admits royalist

THE doctored Mother’s Day photograph of Princess Kate has a royalist questioning whether the Queen actually met Paddington Bear for her Platinum Jubilee.

Monarchy fan Mary Fisher admits she is no longer certain that Queen Elizabeth enjoyed tea with a talking bear on that magical 2022 weekend, in light of the Princess of Wales’s digitally manipulated photo.

Fisher said: “That was the only good thing that happened this decade. But now I’ve seen Princess Charlotte’s weird hand I’m becoming more sceptical.

“Maybe if you zoom in close on Paddington? Will there be tell-tale signs of fakery? Was the very real warmth between him and her late Majesty just applied afterwards by Pixar?

“Now I watch it again, his voice does sound incredibly similar to that of the actor Ben Whishaw. Like, suspiciously similar. Did she even like Paddington? When I laid a toy of him at the gates of Buckingham Palace after her death, was I making a fool of myself?

“If the Palace can lie about Paddington they can lie about anything. Next they’ll be saying that Prince Andrew was in fact guilty of sex crimes or that Diana’s death wasn’t an accident. You can’t trust them.

“At least I can rest easy that the Queen met James Bond and parachuted into the Olympic opening ceremony, aged 86. That definitely happened.”