Time running backwards

WORKERS have reported experiencing a reversal of time in the final hours before their Christmas break.

Unusual chronological phenomena including clocks running backwards, colleagues talking in very slow deep voices and dropped paperclips falling upwards have been reported across the UK.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “The collective desperation of millions of people to get the fuck out of work appears to have reversed the trajectory of time.

“I’ve been looking at the clock every two minutes since I arrived this morning, and the big hand is slowly but surely going in reverse.

“This probably tells us something about the subjective nature of time and the power of the collective consciousness to influence it, but whatever I want to get in the pub like asap.

“Interestingly, people who have to work next Monday and Tuesday are not experiencing anything unusual. Just the same old hollow feeling.”

Office manager Tom Booker said: “I’ve been to the toilet twenty times this morning, just for something to do, yet time-wise I’ve apparently been here minus eight minutes.

“Maybe this hangover has damaged my cerebral cortex but I’m sure the skin on my hands is starting to look softer and younger.

“Oh God I might have to experience the office party all over again.”

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Martin Amis to be a playable character in Mario Kart 8

NINTENDO’S forthcoming Mario Kart 8 is to include Martin Amis as an unlockable character.

The novelist, who is a cult figure in Japan, will drive a customised dune buggy and his special move will be to knock rivals off course by hurling streams of erudite scatological invective.

Other playable characters are thought to include artist Jack Vettriano, post-war Chancellor of the Exchequer Sir Stafford Cripps and 90s pop star Gina G all of whom enjoy inexplicable popularity with Japanese audiences.

Amis said: “The runaway success of Super Amis World II: Amis Island, with players really responding to the quest to rescue Baby Zadie Smith from the clutches of a gigantic Will Self, made this the logical next step.

“I acted as adviser on that game – the player turning into a wasp when he headbutts a striped block was my idea – and I’ve contributed a few ideas to this, including the race set inside a giant Jaffa Cake.”

Cultural historian Joanna Kramer said: “The Japanese have a very different take on Western icons. Robert De Niro is primarily known as a whisky salesman over there, and when he attempts to appear in a film audiences get furious and throw missiles at the screen.

“Martin Amis is viewed as a capering spirit of undependable luck and sexual good fortune in the Far East, where he has his own line of ribbed condoms and sake shots.

“Very different from over here, where we consider him a boring, big-headed bastard.”