Women campaign against 'fun' party preparation

WOMEN have called for an end to advertisements that show party preparation as a fun female bonding activity.

They would prefer to see lone females getting ready in a toilet cubicle, accidentally putting a fist through several pairs of sheer black tights and then drinking a brandy miniature that has been smuggled off a ferry.

Personal shopper Helen Archer said: “Women aren’t just under intense pressure to look great, but to take the day off and get their hair done together.

“During this process I’ve seen best friends display genuine warmth and affection towards one another, and minutes later they’ll calling each other ‘obese PowerPoint wench’.”

Office worker Joanna Kramer said: “My manager forced everyone to come to a spa with her the day before and ‘enjoy’ a ‘pre party pampering package’.

“In order to justify the expense to the company, she made them all do spreadsheets in the sauna.”

Advertising executive Julian Cooke said “Even I would admit the ads are unrealistic. For the last shoot we cast hot young women who were supposed to compare false eyelashes while skipping in their pants and generally being cute.

“But by the third take, half of them were crying, one was giving the others cigarette burns and another had locked themselves in a car with an extra deep tin of Roses and a bottle of limited edition Advocaat.”

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Kim Jong-un wondering if North Korea really loves him

NORTH Korea’s leader Kim Jong-un has admitted wondering if his people love him as deeply and infinitely as they claim.

The supreme leader, who took over two years ago, sometimes feels like the 25 million North Koreans only fell for him on the rebound from his father Kim Jong-il.

He said: “One minute they were all oh, your dad is the only light in our sky guiding us to a glorious revolutionary future, the next they were all over me.

“Yes, they applaud my speeches for 40 minutes at a time and make two-mile-square mosaics of my face, but are their hearts in it or are they just going through the rigidly synchronised motions?

“And I don’t like to be jealous, but look at their history. Before Dad, they were all over my grandfather like a cheap grey workers’ smock.

“Do these people just unconditionally adore anyone on a stage called Kim? What are they, Pixies fans?

“I guess I’d believe they meant it if they did something romantic like, I don’t know, overwhelming the South Korean border defences, drowning the enemy in their bodies, taking the whole country by force and executing every able-bodied man over 18.

“Until they do, I’ll still feel like the only person I can trust is Dennis Rodman.”