Monday, 10th May 2021

Time speeds up while kids are at school

PHYSICISTS have observed that time passes four times as fast in family homes when children are safely away at school. 

Experiments under laboratory conditions found that the six hours between 9am and 3pm last approximately 12 to 18 hours on a Sunday, while on a quiet term-time Tuesday barely leaving long enough to get the kettle on.

Dr Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “The fabric of spacetime is stretched and compressed by gravity, by magnetism and by the presence of one or more children complaining they’re bored.

“Parents plan to spend their 30 hours a week starting businesses, joining gyms, and decorating bathrooms but instead barely have time to read 600 daily ParentMails.

“In contrast time spent with children slows to infinity, especially if being pushed on a swing or reading phonics books.”

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “On Saturday I took them to cello practice and dance, we did the big shop, they played Fortnite, I took them swimming, they watched a film and somehow I still hoovered, did the bathroom and cooked for the week.

“Yesterday I got home from the school run, messed about on my phone a bit, had lunch and it was 3pm. How?”