Saturday, 18th January 2020

The Tory backbenchers' top six wheezes for 'getting round' the no-deal law

A LAW blocking no-deal Brexit, to be passed today, is legally watertight. But not according to the massive brains of Tory backbenchers. Here’s how they’ll beat it:

Declare ‘The Purge’ No laws apply for 12 hours during The Purge, so by simply declaring one – which doesn’t require the support of parliament – the prime minister is free, while the UK murders and robs, to ignore all demands to get an extension from the EU.

Write opposing letters Write a letter to the EU requesting a Brexit extension, then a second letter ordering them not to grant one, then a third letter saying ignore the other letters, then a fourth letter advising not to do anything until the fifth letter, then an empty envelope, then a sixth letter written in code.

Create a new month Wait until the EU’s granted an extension then invent a new month – Peoplesuary – that goes inbetween October and November, and which isn’t covered by the extension. And after Britain’s enjoyed a month of no-deal magic it will accept nothing else.

Arrest all the traitors On the night of October 17th arrest every Remain-supporting MP and voter in the country and transport them to the newly-built Isle of Man Penitentiary where they will stay for the rest of their short, miserable lives. And good riddance.

Send Britain into space Secretly install massive jet rockets around Britain’s coastline and on October 31st simply rocket the whole UK into orbit where we are subject to no earthly laws. The issue of whether to stay in orbit or roam the galaxy like Space: 1999 will be decided by referendum.

Get a deal Too far-fetched and unlikely to be considered by all but the most demented backbenchers. It’d be hard work and Boris can’t be arsed.