Topping up credit in a shop: F**ked-up phone practices from the Nokia era

HAVING a phone is so easy now with unlimited plans on monthly contracts, but it wasn’t always so. Here’s how hard it was when the 3310 was all the rage:

Topping up credit in a shop

Most early phones were Pay As You Go and you could only top up a fiver or a tenner or a time. This meant it ran out as soon as you’d made a couple of longish phone calls or sent a few texts. Conversations were therefore kept brief as you had to physically go to a shop and purchase a card to add more credit. Seems bizarre and old fashioned now, like the Victorians having to buy fresh food every day because fridges hadn’t been invented.

Searching for a signal

Without the proliferation of masts and saturation coverage experienced with 4G and 5G, 2G and 3G phones often failed to connect at all. Calls were frequently cut short and mobile users were often seen waving their phones in the air like salutations to a digital sky god, shouting ‘I’ve got two bars!’

Counting texts

Early mobile plans usually came with limited call minutes and texts, meaning you often wouldn’t hear from someone for two weeks because they’d used everything up and had to wait until a new month started. Texts had a ridiculously low character limit which necessitated the invention of text speak, something some people still annoyingly cling onto even now they’re able to write multiple paragraphs on WhatsApp.

Paying through the nose for ringtones

The phone you have today probably has 100 different ringtone choices, but you haven’t bothered to change it from the old fashioned telephone sound that was the factory preset. However, 20 years ago you would happily pay £4 to get the Crazy Frog ringtone, believing it would mark you out as a funny and unique person. As did every single other dickhead in your class at school.

Tiny screens with crap games

Although sturdy and functional, Nokias and other early mobiles had tiny green screens displaying a fistful of pixels, and the only game available was Snake. This seems a bit pathetic given that it’s possible to play Call of Duty in real-time on current devices, but on the other hand you weren’t so obsessed with your mobile that you developed an attachment disorder and had a nervous breakdown if you couldn’t find it for 30 seconds.

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Porn is disgusting, says woman reading erotic vampire fiction

A WOMAN has condemned pornography whilst simultaneously poring over a book where the heroine is constantly being railed by an undead creature.

Joanna Kramer believes porn is disturbing and unrealistic, unlike the romance novels she reads where a woman gets penetrated by a man who shouldn’t have a functioning circulatory system, and then orgasms repeatedly at the slightest touch.

Joanna said: “Watching porn is a terrible habit that gives men strange expectations about what real love and sex is like. Whereas reading smutty literature about supernatural beings is a highbrow activity that improves the mind and nourishes the soul.

“Porn is just so demeaning. But my book where the protagonist is bound, gagged, and forced to submit to the evil sexual whims of a tyrannical guy 3,000 years older than her is the very model of modern feminism. It was written by a woman, so it can’t be sexist.”

Kramer’s boyfriend Jack Browne said: “We tried to watch porn together once but she really wasn’t into it, so I thought she was just a sweet, innocent soul.

“Then I happened to glance inside her book one day and read some of the most f**ked up shit I’ve ever seen in my entire life.”