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Be clean but not an obsessive psycho about it: An honest flatmate ad

HI there! Our former flatmate’s moving out (all on good terms, just the usual deep-rooted resentment), and we’ve got a spare room.

Are you looking for somewhere after leaving your last place for reasons you’ll be suspiciously vague about? Could you be the ideal tenant? Hint: if you can clean the toilet bowl after a shit, you’re already better than the last!

Your room

We’ve got a poxy three-bed that the landlord’s convinced is legal to call a four because he’s put a wobbly stud wall up. You’ll be living in that extra ‘room’, of course, and we’ll wait until moving in day for the fun surprise of revealing the electricity meter is behind your bed.

Your job

Please have one. We may be left wing and arty, but we will sacrifice all of our personal politics for someone who can pay rent and bills on time. Come all ye tech people, accountants and estate agents: we would love to have your bank accounts living with us. But you can’t work from home, as the rest of us already do that and the kitchen gets very crowded at lunchtime.

Guests and friends

You can of course have a partner, providing they’re long distance and never, ever come to stay. You’re allowed one quiet friend over for tea once a month, and that’s only to convince us that you’re not a complete incel planning to murder us in our sleep.

Cooking

We’re very open to people who are great cooks, especially ones that bring expensive cookware and spices with them as we use everything communally. It’s only fair, as you’ll have unbridled access to our one wonky pan and the eternally sticky bottle of vegetable oil.

Cleaning

We have an informal set up here that we like to call ‘everyone does a cursory amount while angrily believing they do more than everyone else’. You should be the kind of person that does all the nasty stuff like cleaning out the bins, but you’ll do it in secret so we don’t have to feel guilty about it.

Socialising

We’ll give you a courtesy invite to the giant, messy house party that we’ll have for each of our birthdays, mainly so that we can use your bedroom as beer storage. Other than that it’s a quick ‘g’night’ on your way to bed if we happen to make eye contact. No small talk before 9am.

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Vote Tory or Labour will make your car transgender. By Rishi Sunak

I LOVE cars and Britain’s wonderful, friendly car community. Ordinary, decent, hardworking car folk like you. And that’s why I can’t stand by and let Labour turn our beloved cars transgender.

You might not think it’s possible for a car to be transgender. But it is. At the garage you won’t be able to say ‘Fill her up’, you’ll have to say ‘Fill he/him/she/her/they/them up’. All for ten quids’ worth of petrol. And that will definitely happen if you don’t vote Tory.

That’s just one example. If our increasingly woke police stop you and you fail to to refer to your Audi as a ‘non-cis-gendered vehicle that identifies as gay, bi, trans, fluid or asexual’ you’ll get six points on your licence.

This is Labour’s plan. You might have spent upwards of £30,000 on a manly 4×4 like a Panzer, but you’ll be ordered to paint it pink and attach fake breasts to the bonnet, which will cause impotence and make it harder to park.

How, you might ask, do I know about this demented scheme – which is totally 100 per cent supported by Starmer, Rayner, Miliband, Reeves, Streeting and all the woke liberal Stalinists in modern Labour?

The answer is simple: it’s the sort of thing they would do. Our focus groups have found that many potential Tory voters like cars, but they’re not comfortable with transgenderism, particularly after our newspapers have spent a week hysterically screeching about perverts dangling massive great veiny penises in women’s faces in changing rooms.

I want a return to the time when cars were clearly male, like a Ford Capri, or female, like a little Mini Metro hatchback for doing your shopping. So I call on voters – especially working-class ones who might not put up with us posh wankers for much longer – to focus entirely on the issue of transgender cars and vote Tory.

And once I’m back in Number 10, I will help drivers by removing all speed limits in the UK. Because as we sensible car owners know, 99 per cent of accidents are caused by people going too slow.

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