Twitter celebrates five pointless years of unremitting shit

MICRO-blogging site Twitter celebrated its fifth birthday yesterday by sounding exactly like a five-year-old.

Connecting people and their stupid fucking ideas

In the time it took The Beatles to revolutionise popular music twice, Twitter has gone from not existing to aggregating over a billion gobshite haikus a week.

Kyle Stephenson, from Stevenage, became the 300 millionth human to puke his brains out via the site, adding: “Hpy bday 2 Twitter! Jst totally LOLed at ths kittin pic! Mum sed Im ‘semilitirit’. WFT?”

Technology gurus said Twitter had matured from being Stephen Fry’s bloodthirsty mob organiser to being the most efficient way to read what Simon Pegg has to say about his latest piece-of-shit film.

Meanwhile the site’s founders were celebrating a stock valuation of £213bn and claimed that over the next year the company’s revenues will double to just under eight pence.

Julian Cook, investment analyst at Donnelly-McPartlin said: “We are advising all our clients to buy Twitter. It’s definitely not a fad. Why would anyone suddenly get bored of this?”

Experts also stressed that Twitter had credited itself with organising popular uprisings and toppling dictatorships.

Professor Wayne Hayes, from Reading University’s faculty of social networking websites, said: “Spiraling food prices and years of oppression played a small role, but it was because of Twitter that people knew exactly where they were supposed to stand while shouting ‘death to Mubarak’.”

He added: “If only they’d had Twitter in Imperial Russia they wouldn’t have had to put up with another 70 years of Czar Nicholas II.

“Meanwhile communism – which didn’t actually happen because there was no Twitter – would not have been toppled and the Berlin Wall, which didn’t exist, would still be there mainly because no one knew about it as they hadn’t seen it on Twitpic.”