Twitter celebrates five pointless years of unremitting shit

MICRO-blogging site Twitter celebrated its fifth birthday yesterday by sounding exactly like a five-year-old.

In the time it took The Beatles to revolutionise popular music twice, Twitter has gone from not existing to aggregating over a billion gobshite haikus a week.

Kyle Stephenson, from Stevenage, became the 300 millionth human to puke his brains out via the site, adding: “Hpy bday 2 Twitter! Jst totally LOLed at ths kittin pic! Mum sed Im ‘semilitirit’. WFT?”

Technology gurus said Twitter had matured from being Stephen Fry’s bloodthirsty mob organiser to being the most efficient way to read what Simon Pegg has to say about his latest piece-of-shit film.

Meanwhile the site’s founders were celebrating a stock valuation of £213bn and claimed that over the next year the company’s revenues will double to just under eight pence.

Julian Cook, investment analyst at Donnelly-McPartlin said: “We are advising all our clients to buy Twitter. It’s definitely not a fad. Why would anyone suddenly get bored of this?”

Experts also stressed that Twitter had credited itself with organising popular uprisings and toppling dictatorships.

Professor Wayne Hayes, from Reading University’s faculty of social networking websites, said: “Spiraling food prices and years of oppression played a small role, but it was because of Twitter that people knew exactly where they were supposed to stand while shouting ‘death to Mubarak’.”

He added: “If only they’d had Twitter in Imperial Russia they wouldn’t have had to put up with another 70 years of Czar Nicholas II.

“Meanwhile communism – which didn’t actually happen because there was no Twitter – would not have been toppled and the Berlin Wall, which didn’t exist, would still be there mainly because no one knew about it as they hadn’t seen it on Twitpic.”



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Osborne to close gap between private jet owners and private jet renters

PEOPLE who own private jets will face higher taxes in a bid to make the system fairer for people who just rent them.

The measures will be outlined in tomorrow’s budget which Treasury sources stressed would focus, almost exclusively, on slashing the deficit using private air travel.

A Treasury minister said: “More than two private jets take off or land in Britain every hour, both of them completely untaxed.

“This massive reservoir of money can be used to keep the top rate of income tax at a level that stops the Conservative Party from having to tap dance in tube stations.

“What do you mean, is that all we’ve come up with? Fuck you.”

The move was welcomed by Denys Finch-Hatton, head of gratuitous life ruining at Barclays Private Capital and four time a year jet renter.

He said: “It’s about time private jet owners got a taste of what life is like for the rest of us.

“It’s very difficult trying to get on in the highly competitive world of inconceivable wealth when you are constantly being outshone by someone who’s not paying any tax on his jet.”

The ministerial source added: “Now some of you may well be asking why private jets weren’t taxed already?

“You even may be sitting in your tiny car, looking at the tax disc and saying, ‘what the fuck is that about?’.

“‘What in the name of shitting holy fuck on a tricycle is that about?’.

“‘Why in the name of Jesus c**ting Christ almighty were private bastarding jets not being taxed al-fucking-ready?’.

“The answer is that people who own private jets can also afford private detectives and private blackmail consultants.

“Either that or we just forgot.”