I kind of assumed you’re trying to kill me, says Gaddafi

COLONEL Gaddafi last night decided to just go ahead and assume that we are actively trying to kill him.

'You'd look great in this'

As the prime minister argued with some chap whose job it is to do as he is jolly well told, the Libyan leader put on his thickest helmet and moved all his stuff into a cave.

Downing Street has insisted Gaddafi is a legitimate target, while defence chief General Sir David Richards said such a move would have no legal basis before making a pot of herbal tea and showing everyone his pressed flower collection.

A Downing Street source said: “The general’s not in charge. The prime minister is. There’s a word for when the general’s in charge. It’s ‘Egypt’.”

But analysts stressed that while both men had a point we really shouldn’t be discussing it like this as Colonel Gaddafi can probably hear every word.

Martin Bishop, senior research fellow at the Royal Institute of Fighting, said: “I would say in a loud voice that I was definitely not going to kill him and that he should go for a walk in a sparsely populated area while wearing a bright pink sombrero that can be seen from roughly 2000ft.

“If he then asked if this was just a ploy to get him out into the open so I could kill him I would reply ‘no, I just think that, what with all this stress, you could do with a bit of fresh air’.

“I would also reiterate that all we really want him to do is hand in his three month’s notice, at which point he is free to write his crazy memoirs or take up horribly disturbed watercolour painting.”

Meanwhile people across Britain said they were surprised to discover it takes more than three days to destroy everything in Libya.

Tom Logan, from Hatfield, said: “There does come a point at which you have to accept that you’re just bombing holes.”