Most Britons think they're better than most other Britons

THE majority of UK citizens now look down on almost everyone else in the country, according to a new report.

The Institute for Studies found that seven in 10 people believe themselves to be superior on the basis of wealth, taste or body odour.

Sales administrator, Tom Logan, said: “I’ve worked hard and earned the right to constantly criticise the pasty, shuffling, microwaved burger-eating morlocks that reproduce like bacteria and populate this country with their mewling, cod-eyed spawn.

“I have a coffee machine, a smart phone and enjoy weekly family trips to TGI Fridays or a cultural equivalent. Who would like to fondle me?”

Social worker Stephen Malley said: “Other people are obsessed with buying things like coffee machines. But they don’t know how to work them properly, like I do, and so their coffee comes out all wrong. Although that’s probably how they like it, because they don’t know any better.

“I’m not a snob but I do think everyone else could try a bit harder. For example by forsaking American restaurant franchises for Pizza Express. Truly, it is the ultimate badge of civilisation.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Social factors like large televisions becoming cheaper have made it much easier for many of us to feel like we’ve really made something of ourselves.

“Of course when I say ‘we’ I don’t include myself. I’m a professor, for fuck’s sake.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Ireland beat England at having afternoon tea

IRELAND completed a grand slam over England yesterday after beating them 3-0 at having a lovely afternoon tea.

The Irish outplayed a highly fancied England side in every area of the tearoom, from quiet stirring to applying just the right amount of butter to a scone.

National tea coach Bill McKay admitted his job was on the line and said it was some of the worst jam appreciation and drinking a cup of tea effeminately that he had ever seen from an England side.

Roy Hobbs, England’s leading pourer for the last three seasons, said: “I’ve had this niggling wrist injury which has been forcing me to stop half way through each cup.

“It doesn’t affect the temperature of the tea but it can create an awkward silence or force someone to miss-time their milk approach.

“Thank God we’re all still in one piece.”

Martin Bishop, England’s first person to say how nice the Battenburg is, added: “The pouring interruption threw me off and for the first time in my international career one of my team mates had to ask me how good the Battenburg was.

“It was amateur night out there this afternoon.”

Irish tea coach, Declan O’Flaherty, said: “Two months ago, if I had shown my team a cucumber three of them would have fainted and I would have been nailed to the floor by a priest.

“Now we’re better than England at eating one of them in a sandwich.”

The Irish have now sets their sights on defeating England at offering poor value for money and complaining about multiculturalism without really knowing what it is.