Most Britons think they’re better than most other Britons

THE majority of UK citizens now look down on almost everyone else in the country, according to a new report.

The Institute for Studies found that seven in 10 people believe themselves to be superior on the basis of wealth, taste or body odour.

Sales administrator, Tom Logan, said: “I’ve worked hard and earned the right to constantly criticise the pasty, shuffling, microwaved burger-eating morlocks that reproduce like bacteria and populate this country with their mewling, cod-eyed spawn.

“I have a coffee machine, a smart phone and enjoy weekly family trips to TGI Fridays or a cultural equivalent. Who would like to fondle me?”

Social worker Stephen Malley said: “Other people are obsessed with buying things like coffee machines. But they don’t know how to work them properly, like I do, and so their coffee comes out all wrong. Although that’s probably how they like it, because they don’t know any better.

“I’m not a snob but I do think everyone else could try a bit harder. For example by forsaking American restaurant franchises for Pizza Express. Truly, it is the ultimate badge of civilisation.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Social factors like large televisions becoming cheaper have made it much easier for many of us to feel like we’ve really made something of ourselves.

“Of course when I say ‘we’ I don’t include myself. I’m a professor, for fuck’s sake.”