Planes kill baddies

LOTS of people died in Libya last night, but it’s okay because they were baddies.

The baddies were killed by brave, good-looking pilots from America and Britain who went pee-eeeew… pew-pew-pew, in their big fast planes.

And while the big planes went ‘nee-ow’ and ‘ffwwwsh’ we also used something like a hundred Cruise missiles to kill some baddies who were hiding indoors like cowards.

The missiles are named after Tom Cruise because they are so handsome.

The baddies died after they killed a load of people who the prime minister says were probably very nice.

They even tried to protect themselves using kittens, but the good-looking pilots fired a special clever bomb that only kills baddies and the kittens got away and are now playing with a lovely pink ribbon.

More baddies will be killed today, especially if they are trying to run away.

The prime minister said the good-looking pilots will stop as soon as enough baddies are dead and the main one is living in something called a ‘Venezuela’.

Everyone will then come home and drink champagne and it will all be fine in the bad place because the probably very nice people will sort everything out for themselves.

The prime minister also promised really, really hard that there will be no need for handsome British soldiers to kill ugly baddies with their bare hands.

Apparently there were also some Frenchman there, no doubt getting in the way.



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Theatre groups to remind Britain why they are the first things to be cut

THEATRE groups across Britain will unite this weekend to remind taxpayers exactly why they are being cut.

Amateurs and professionals who fail to see how embarrassing the whole thing is will perform a series of specially written short plays that they think contain a powerful message.

Wayne Hayes, creative director of the Maya Angelou Players in Stevenage, said: “Theatre brings communities together and injects life directly into their hearts like a massive hypodermic filled with feelings.

“The seven people who turned up to our last performance of Steven Berkoff’s Faces from Rwanda are the real heroes.”

But Bill McKay, a taxpayer from Stevenage said: “I took this girl I’m trying to fuck to see Faces from Rwanda. I left half way through and went home for a wank.

“It was a splendid evening.”

Helen Archer, from Finsbury Park, said: “The last time I went to the theatre I just kept asking myself ‘what do they think they’re doing?

“Do they not know I’m here? Because if they did there is no way they would be doing this.

“I just kept thinking, ‘absolutely everyone in this building needs to go home and watch television immediately’.”

Martin Bishop, who has been unable to enter a theatre since seeing a production of A Midsummer Night’s Dream set in an immigration centre, said: “I love it when famous actors criticise the cuts but then can’t quite seem to go far enough to criticise the massive salaries of bankers.

“It’s odd isn’t it?”