UFO experts asked to stop milking Area 51

UFOLOGISTS have been told to stop going on about Roswell and come up with an alien incident within the last 20 years.

So over cattle mutilation

Cultural analysts believe UFO culture, which enjoyed a wave of popularity in the 1950s and a 1990s revival, is coasting on old glories.

Network engineer Tom Logan said: “I am massively credulous and own a bong, so I was perfectly happy believing that Area 51 was real right up until that Ant and Dec film came out.

“But it’s past time for something a bit fresher, whether it’s garish 80s VHS of a spacecraft buzzing an outdoor rave or security camera footage of a 1995 alien abduction.

“It doesn’t have to be the least bit convincing. And personally I would be very interested in something that combined aliens with 9/11, just to put that out there.”

Paranormal things enthusiast Denys Finch Hatton said: “It’s not just UFOs.

“There is a real shortage of new material in cryptozoology, psychic studies and all the other completely made-up fields.

“The public no longer gives a toss about Bigfoot, the Bermuda Triangle or spoon bending, but inexplicably there have been hardly any painfully faked contrivances since crop circles.

“If anyone’s got half an imagination and five minutes free for a shaky YouTube video, we promise we’ll believe it for at least twenty years.

“It’s that or reality.”

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Hypochondriacs welcome ludicrous new health scare

BRITAIN’S hypochondriacs are delighted by claims that wi-fi could in some way harm their health.

A thrilling mix of danger and narcissism

The imaginary health risks posed by the well-understood technology have the dual benefit of allowing hypochondriacs to wallow in self-concern while not actually becoming ill.

Administrator Tom Logan said: “The thought of getting cancer or brain damage from wi-fi really gives me something to think about in my incredibly mundane life.

“With all these wi-fi waves about to give me a tumour it’s like I’m watching a particularly gripping episode of Casualty that’s all about me.

“Also wi-fi is everywhere these days, so I can kick up a fuss in almost any situation in order to get the attention I so desperately crave.”

Hypochondriacs believe wi-fi causes human tissue to mutate at a cellular level due to electromagnetic resonance, or some other pseudo-scientific bullshit they read about on the internet.

Brain surgeon Donna Sheridan said: “If people are concerned about wi-fi they should come and see me so I can at least have the satisfaction of telling them to stop being time-wasting, superstitious peasants.

“Alternatively wearing a metal bucket on your head will block out both wi-fi waves and your ill-informed bleating.”