UK demands vaping but for booze

BRITAIN has demanded scientists come up with something like vaping, where nicotine can be enjoyed safely and conveniently at any time, but for alcohol. 

The new gadget will allow thirsty Britons to satisfy their constant need for booze in their workplaces, while driving and while caring for kids without any health risks.

Receptionist Nathan Muir said: “It’ll probably be like a little pen that lights up, same as vaping, but when you draw on it you’ll get nice and pissed.

“But you’ll be fine to do it during the day or on the motorway or whatever because all the dangerous stuff’s been removed by a technical process.

“You’ll be able to use it as much or as little as you like and you won’t be an alcoholic, and when it runs out you just pop in a fresh cartridge which come in flavours like pina colada, mojito and single malt.

“There’ll be no social stigma attached, nobody’ll be able to criticise you for it, there’s no bullshit like driving bans or anything like that. Now all we need is the fucking scientists to get their heads out of their arses and invent the bastard.”

Dr Mary Fisher said: “It may seem unrealistic that a handheld pen-like gadget can cut out all complications from a traditionally fraught area and provide pure pleasure. But the vibrator.”

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Woman who married wrong man distinctly remembers leaving pause in ceremony for friends to say so

A WOMAN who married an idiot has asked her friends why they said nothing even though the ceremony included a clear invitation to speak out. 

Helen Archer, who is now divorcing the dickhead, has confronted attendees of the wedding asking why if they knew all along they failed to say so during the slot allotted for same.

She continued: “You remember. It was hard to miss. ‘Speak now, or forever hold your peace’?

“And despite you all telling me now you knew he was a twat, I don’t remember a chorus of voices ‘speaking now’ at that point. I remember a whole fucking lot of ‘holding your peace’.

“Yes it would have been inconvenient in the short term, but I wouldn’t be going through divorce proceedings now. But instead you ignored the explicit instructions of the vicar, representing God, and condemned me to marry an arsehole.”

Officiating vicar the Reverend Nathan Muir said: “I left the pause for ten seconds longer than I usually do, in the hope. I mean you only had to look at the man.”