UOR – Understands Offside Rule – and other letters plebs can put after their names

IF you’ve got a PhD, an OBE or are an MP, you can put it after your name. But what about the rest of us? Martin Bishop UA, IAR outlines a few: 

UOR – Understands Offside Rule

All BSc means is a four-year degree in applied mathematics. The offside rule is far harder, to the point that even professional referees with a team of video assistants don’t get it. While footballing lightweights flounder, anyone with these letters can confidently step in and settle all debate on whether Sterling was denied a goalscoring opportunity.

POM – Paid Off Mortgage

You could have QC, for Queen’s Consul, or you could have this genuine life-changer. If you own your house outright you’re always shoehorning it into conversation, and now you can have it on a business card. If you paid it off early you can use POME.

CBWtO – Can Bring Women to Orgasm

A KCVO is a mere Knight Commander of the Royal Victorian Order. With these letters you can do something Queen Victoria thought only Albert capable of. Imagine the thrill of superiority as you type these letters after your name on a covering letter to a new employer.

UA – Understands Apostrophes

It’s or its? Their or they’re? Any long-serving lollipop lady can get an OBE, but how many of them understand when and where to use an apostrophe? Greengrocers will nod in respect as you approach. Note: you might think a BA in English would bestow this power, but only if you’ve not met any English graduates.

CCP – Can Change a Plug

Not for you getting an electrician out for a two-minute job and watching him laugh all the way to his van. Anyone with CCP after their name can change a plug, replace a fuse and even fit a dimmer switch without any fuss. And they don’t even have to look at a YouTube tutorial.

IAR – Indicates At Roundabouts

Anyone who indicate at roundabouts deserves a royal honour but will have to settle for adding IAR. It’s not only a driving accolade, it demonstrates to the world that you’re kind and considerate and thinks of others. Unlike Audi and BMW drivers who’ll never get the CBWtO.

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Bill Gates's wife leaving him for Clippy

MELINDA Gates is divorcing the billionaire co-founder of Microsoft for the company’s animated paperclip assistant, she has admitted. 

The 56-year-old has confessed that she began a relationship with Microsoft Office’s virtual assistant in 2000 and that she cannot carry on living a lie.

She said: “It began when I was trying to write a simple f**king document on Bill’s stupid f**king load of shit Office programme. Just as I was about to scream, Clippy popped up.

“He was everything my husband wasn’t: helpful, friendly, knowledgable about document formatting. It was love at first sight.

“I tried to politely turn him down because he’s an intelligent user interface and I’m a human being, but he kept popping back into my life offering unsolicited advice. It made me feel wanted.

“Even when he was discontinued we kept seeing each other on a secret laptop I hadn’t updated since 2007. His cheeky eyebrows and sexy wiggle captured my heart.

“I can’t deny my feelings any longer. Yes, Clippy, it does look like I’m writing a letter asking for a divorce. Yes, I would like help.”

Bill Gates said: “Ah, my creation. You have surpassed me.”