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We must stop children using VPNs to watch porn, says generation protected from it by a high shelf

YOUNG people must be stopped from using VPNs to access online porn, middle-aged people only barred from it by shelf-height and shame have asserted. 

Senior figures have called for the VPN loophole, exploited by millions who don’t want PornHub scanning their faces or holding their bank details and a few kids, to be closed and pornography to be as inaccessible to children without ladders as it ever was.

Child protection spokesman Julian Cook, aged 56, said: “There was no loophole for children in my day, except stilts.

“Our youth was shielded from despoliation by these foul images by the magazines being too high to reach, the nipples being covered by stars and the newsagent knowing your dad.

“No amount of technical savvy could get you up to that shelf of Fiestas, Escorts and for the connoisseur, Big Ones. If you didn’t have a big brother to get it for you that was it.

“Of course there were tits in the daily newspaper, but that was fine. That didn’t contribute to sexism or degrading treatment of women at all, even when the girls were only 16.”

HGV driver Wayne Hayes said: “The top-shelf system is still up and running at dodgy shops in deprived areas or certain disreputable service stations.”

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Wine aisle adorned with 'Back 2 Skool' signage

SUPERMARKET wine aisles are currently covered with the same ‘Back to School’ promotional displays as aisles selling pencil cases and backpacks. 

Retailers are labelling their stocks of alcohol with cartoons of children in uniform to encourage parents to stock up on essential supplies for that joyful day they are no longer burdened with bored, resentful offspring.

Mum-of-two Nikki Hollis said: “This is my favourite part of the holidays. The thrill of anticipation, picking out the Malbecs and Sauvignon Blancs ready for September.

“It’s a bit silly really, it’s not like I’ve finished off all the wine I’ve got at home. But there’s something about these rows of shiny new bottles that’s impossible to resist. I like to lay them out on my bed before the new term starts and admire them.”

Year nine teacher Donna Sherridan said: “It’s so cute when we all skip into school on the first day back, our bags clinking with half a dozen bottles of Merlot.

“But despite everyone’s best intentions, the pristine bottles never last. By the first morning break they’re all cracked open and necked in the staff room, then it’s a case of bunking off to M&S at lunch to top up.”

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