We never had all these iPhones in my day, says man glued to his f**king iPhone

A MIDDLE-AGED man has taken time out from glancing constantly at his phone to complain about the younger generation being fixated with theirs.

Plumber Roy Hobbs, 55, fears for the mental health of young people constantly staring at their tiny screens, as he explained in a distracted way while using a variety of apps.

Looking up occasionally from a punt he made on the Betfair website, Hobbs said: “It’s like something out of a sci-fi film, the way youngsters are constantly – hang on, Facebook friend request.

“My theory is that their attention spans have been totally ooh Fruit Ninja update!

“My generation was too busy doing things in the real world like inventing punk or protesting against Thatcher, as I was just pointing out on BBC comments about young people and their phones.”

Hobbs then rambled for 15 minutes about youngsters “retreating from reality”, but his exact point was unclear due to him simultaneously playing Minecraft

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Five books to pretend to read while thinking about how clever you look holding a book

READING a book in a cafe, on the Tube or at the wheel of your car makes you look wise and mysterious, even if you’re just posing and not taking in a word.

Here are five books to skim while feeling really smug about how clever other people must think you are.

The Power by Naomi Alderman

This dark dystopian tale of a world where women are suddenly more physically powerful than men will completely pass you by as you glance up from it every five seconds to see who’s looking approvingly at your cutting-edge choice of contemporary literature.

Animal Farm by George Orwell

Ideal for feigning knowledge of literature because hardly anyone has actually read it. The pigs are the bad guys and communism is a bit shit, is really all you need to know. Now you can get on with thinking about what you’re having for tea.

Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

You’ve seen the movie(s) or the TV adaptation(s), and the story’s the same as Bridget Jones’ Diary, so you can just let your eyes glaze over for this one and sporadically turn a page for effect.

The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath

Everybody wants to look like they’re emotionally stable enough to read The Bell Jar, so now’s your chance. Just make sure not to actually read it, it’s a real bummer.

Any Harry Potter with a fake dust jacket by JK Rowling

On the off-chance you do actually want to read a book, you can’t go wrong with any of the Harry Potter books. Just pinch a Tolstoy dustjacket from Waterstones, stick it on The Goblet of Pixies or whatever and you’ll look like a proper intellectual.