WHATSAPP is a nightmarish deluge of unwanted crap and distractions. So which groups in particular are sapping your time and general will to live?
The lads’ bants group
It started as a group to organise a lads’ holiday in 2012 but is still going, like a porn mag being passed round school in the 1980s. This group makes you say things that are totally out of character and see things you can’t now un-see, such as a midget electrocuting his own cock.
The friends you’re not really friends with group
This group is for making insincere plans you have no intention of seeing through but which you’ll spend forever thinking about, eg. ‘How can I say I’m not doing that 100-mile run I only agreed to because I’d had nine glasses of wine?’
The pictures of kids for grandparents group
You didn’t get enough attention as a kid. Your parents were a bit too pleased when you left home. Now this group allows you to carry on this unspoken personal war.
Your method of attack is to bombard them with pictures of your happy kids. They retaliate with pictures of themselves drinking in the garden and making chutney. You put up more pictures of your kids. And so the bitter psychological conflict continues endlessly, like Vietnam but more passive-aggressive.
The work group
This WhatsApp group starts casually to organise work drinks, but soon becomes a cutthroat game of which crawly bastard is going to get promoted first.
Use extreme caution. You’re just a couple of tired taps away from mixing up chat groups and sending ‘My boss Gary is King of the Bellends – and has erection issues so I hear from Kate @ work who knows his wife – LOL!!!’, to your boss Gary.