Woman tripping on mushrooms hallucinates world where Brexit vote never happened

A WOMAN who took magic mushrooms has hallucinated a world where the Brexit referendum never happened.

Emma Bradford said: “Oh, man. Everything was just one, you know?

“I just felt completely at peace, there was a leopard trying to have sex with me and Boris Johnson wasn’t prime minister.

“Usually I just do it at a party to have some fun, but now I realise it can actually be a profound spiritual experience.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “When someone takes magic mushrooms, their brain’s default mode network decreases in capacity. This means they no longer think about the past, the future, or about whatever political shitshow is going on at the moment.

“Which means everyone should really be on mushrooms all the time.”

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New jogger doing it all wrong

A MAN who has just started jogging is doing absolutely everything wrong.

Martin Bishop took up jogging on January 2nd and has committed a litany of errors including not warming up and stopping to smoke several cigarettes along the way.

Bishop said: “I was only drunk on one occasion. And that run went pretty well, if I remember correctly.

“Though, I was very drunk so I’m not sure I remember it at all.”

Bishop also ran in hiking boots and stopped to smoke a cigar he had been given during the festive period.

He added: “I just wish someone had told me you’re not meant to inhale them as that really put the kibosh on the rest of the run.”