Woman who hasn't showered for a week disinfecting her phone

A WOMAN who last showered a week ago is carefully disinfecting her iPhone, she has confirmed. 

Eleanor Shaw has abandoned all personal hygiene but is deeply concerned about the cleanliness of her smartphone, which is filthy because she touches it.

Shaw said: “Coronavirus can survive on a phone’s surface for days, especially if you’re jabbing its smashed screen all the time with greasy fingers like me.

“That’s why I’m going to give my phone the spa treatment by scrubbing it down with antibacterial wipes. Then I’ll immediately hammer out a text with my contaminated digits.

“Until Apple releases a two-metre long stylus, I can’t think of a better solution.”

Partner Tom Booker said: “I’m glad Ellie’s taking better care of her phone. When she dropped it down the toilet she just popped it in a bowl of rice. But I’m fairly sure she ate the rice after.

“I don’t think she can catch coronavirus from her phone, because she’s not been anywhere. But she stinks.”

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The key questions about living under lockdown with your partner

HALF the planet’s under lockdown, and your other half is under lockdown with you. What are the recurring questions this is bringing up? 

Do I have to show who I really am or should I wait until we have kids? 

It should absolutely wait. Without children you can still go off and be your real self in the spare room or on short drives to the shops. Divulging everything now risks your partner realising you’re a terrible source of genetic material. Once you’ve had kids, try to keep your true self hidden until they’re teenagers to hide how unfit you are as a parent.

Can I still yell at them for no legitimate reason? 

Yes, certainly. Most successful relationships are based on blaming your partner for everything then offering a shame-faced half-apology later, and lockdown is ideal for establishing these patterns. Also, despite knowing everything they do around the house because you’re there too, claim they do nothing.

Should we keep a safe distance during intercourse? 

During intercourse and at all other times. Social distancing is just a new name for what was previously called ‘marriage’, where a clear six feet is maintained between you and your partner for years. Sex should not involve any touching. Get creative!

What’s taking them so long in the shower/bathroom/spare room/shed? 

They are dealing with the sexual frustration caused by the above. Don’t interrupt.

Will it get better than this after the pandemic is over? 

Most likely not. Lockdown – confined to one location, no contact with friends or family, nothing to do but eat and lie in the sun – is little different in substance from an all-inclusive holiday. This could end up being remembered as the good old days.