Sunday, 25th October 2020

I'm not a hawk I'm a vulture, says Priti Patel

THE home secretary has clarified that she is neither a cabinet hawk or a cabinet dove but a evil cabinet vulture. 

The cabinet is currently split between hawks, who want to end lockdown to save the economy, and doves, who are concerned about everyone in Britain dying, and Priti, who is waiting.

Patel said: “First of all, who wins a fight between hawks and doves? It’s not the doves. They’re a cloud of bloodied white feathers within the first 20 seconds.

“But from my lofty perch, on top of a blighted, crooked tree that was struck by lightning, even the hawks are just carrion waiting to happen.

“They can have their little fight, I’ll deal with the losers, then I’ll patiently sit here until the country re-opens and the next stage can begin. Really looking forward to the next stage.

“Boris? He’s weak. It’s only as a mark of respect for him as prime minister that I’m not endlessly wheeling in the sky above Chequers, waiting for him to fall.”

Cabinet Office minister Michael Gove said: “Priti really is a Tory through and through. It’s inspiring.”