A garden, and four other lockdown status symbols

LAST year the garden was nothing more than somewhere to send your mates who still smoke, but in 2020 it’s a key indicator of superiority. 

A garden

It may be small, choked with brambles and trampolines and overlooked by a dual carriageway, but it’s outside space and it’s private and it’s yours. Take every selfie here. This is the 2020 equivalent of a beach hut on a white sand beach in Mauritius.

A garageful of chest freezers

Just as exotic foods indicated the importance of feudal kings, freezers packed with Iceland chicken strips separate the lockdown royalty from the peasants. Their owners have enough to last into 2023, which won’t stop them from getting a big shop delivered weekly.

A carport

Useless for storing cars in, but incredibly valuable as a space that is neither house or garden where you can pile up all the crap you’ve cleared out and perhaps sneak a quick spliff while your partner’s in the kitchen.

Fast Wi-Fi

Hard to spot from the street, so you’ll need to brag on social media about how you’ve just streamed Chronicles of Riddick without any buffering. If you want to stop others from enjoying the same luxury, burn their 5G towers.

Your health

If you’ve got it, you’re probably starting to realise what a massive benefit your good health actually is. Once lockdown’s lifted you can forget this revelation and go back to stuffing your face with chips, but in the meantime flaunt your high-functioning lungs. You’re winning.

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Woman needs at least five screens on the go at once to feel anything

A WOMAN is incapable of feeling alive unless she is splitting her attention between at least five different screens, she has confirmed. 

Joanna Kramer can no longer be entertained by a mere 55-inch television, needing at least an iPad, a laptop and two smartphones to get any kind of buzz at all.

She said: “I remember the days I used to be able to watch TV, no phone, nothing. Then I got into Googling the actors’ ages and relationship histories, just for a bit of a thrill.

“Now I’ve got the telly on, I’m live-tweeting, I’m Googling, I’ve got a screenful of Zoom mates watching it with me and I’m playing solitaire on my tablet, all simultaneously. And it’s still not enough.

“What will I incorporate next? An exercise class? Mindfulness meditation? One of those big massage chairs you see in service stations? Sticking my fingers in a plug socket?

“Or do I move the whole operation into the kitchen and bake stuff at the same time? I reckon multi-eating five different sugary treats could really take things to the next level.”