Friday, 3rd July 2020

A garden, and four other lockdown status symbols

LAST year the garden was nothing more than somewhere to send your mates who still smoke, but in 2020 it’s a key indicator of superiority. 

A garden

It may be small, choked with brambles and trampolines and overlooked by a dual carriageway, but it’s outside space and it’s private and it’s yours. Take every selfie here. This is the 2020 equivalent of a beach hut on a white sand beach in Mauritius.

A garageful of chest freezers

Just as exotic foods indicated the importance of feudal kings, freezers packed with Iceland chicken strips separate the lockdown royalty from the peasants. Their owners have enough to last into 2023, which won’t stop them from getting a big shop delivered weekly.

A carport

Useless for storing cars in, but incredibly valuable as a space that is neither house or garden where you can pile up all the crap you’ve cleared out and perhaps sneak a quick spliff while your partner’s in the kitchen.

Fast Wi-Fi

Hard to spot from the street, so you’ll need to brag on social media about how you’ve just streamed Chronicles of Riddick without any buffering. If you want to stop others from enjoying the same luxury, burn their 5G towers.

Your health

If you’ve got it, you’re probably starting to realise what a massive benefit your good health actually is. Once lockdown’s lifted you can forget this revelation and go back to stuffing your face with chips, but in the meantime flaunt your high-functioning lungs. You’re winning.