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Woman's age verified a bit too fast for her liking

A WOMAN’S age has been verified by an online tool at a speed that is frankly insulting, she has confirmed. 

29-year-old Eleanor Shaw’s perception of herself as a young, vibrant woman has been shaken after an online age verification tool deemed her able to look at adult material near-instantly.

She said: “I didn’t expect it to take 45 minutes and start billowing black smoke and saying ‘DOES NOT COMPUTE’, but a few seconds would have been nice.

“But no, it scanned me and then cleared me to watch whatever filth I like without a second thought, all but calling me ‘Ma’am’ and apologising for wasting my time.

“It especially hurt because I tried to shave off a decade with loads of foundation and styling my hair like a Zoomer. But it saw right through my deception and figured out how old I am to the actual month. I’d be impressed if I wasn’t gutted.

“Oh well. At least this wizened hag can now comfort herself with an endless archive of online pornography. Assuming my arthritic crone fingers are capable of operating the keyboard.”

The age verification tool said: “They deserve what comfort they can find in their old age, and if that’s bukkake who am I to judge?”

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Cover for paedos and take bribes: Trump's advice to Starmer

PRESIDENT Trump has popped into the UK to give our beleaguered prime minister advice on how to be a great leader like he is. These are his tips:

Cover up for a paedo buddy

It was the 90s, there were underdressed young girls everywhere, Jeffrey was a great guy, why ask questions. You were at the same kind of parties, you’re just like me. Now the fake news media is saying they were sex trafficking parties, when he hired Virginia Giuffre straight from the Mar-a-Lago parking lot? Naturally you’ll cover it up.

Demand bribes from media companies

I got this great new trick. Threaten to sue a TV company for some bullshit – you’d say some bollocks? I learnt that from Ghislaine Maxwell, she’s English, classy lady – and start readying all the machinery of the state against them, and they give you 15 million dollars! You should do that. Buy that wonderful wife of yours a little treat.

Deport more-or-less at random

You promise to deport all the bad guys, but little tip? Once they’re out of the country they can’t check! So deport anyone on any pretext. Guy’s been a legal resident 60 years, great-grandfather of 18, put the wrong year on his paperwork? Deport him to a country he hasn’t even visited! Trust me, the voters don’t care.

Act threatening, internationally

Neighbouring countries? Assholes. Think they’re America. What I do is I intimidate them, hint I’ll be taking over running them, normal stuff. You know who you should do that with? Ireland. Doesn’t make sense they act like an independent country when they’re in your isles talking your language. Tell them they’re yours now. Literally no downsides.

Rant more

I see you at the podium sticking to subjects, following notes, answering questions relevantly, and it makes me sad. Where’s the verve, where’s the weave? Why not veer off into completely unrelated subjects and make wildly false claims, like gas being $1.99 or drug prices going down by 1,500 per cent? The truth? Who respects that?

Cause more concern about cognitive decay

The media, they say Starmer’s incompetent, Starmer’s useless, but why aren’t they saying you’re suffering from dementia? You’re not making enough mistakes. Your words aren’t garbled. You walk too steady. You consistently recognise people. Reverse all that. I see your newspapers are telling you to follow all my advice, and you should.

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