STILL shaking after paying £90 for a safari park which will entertain the kids for two whole hours? Let Norman Steele explain how he kept his kids happy circa 1985:
Driving round an empty car park
Driving round an empty leisure centre car park in the Vauxhall Chevette was a favourite for me, because I got to pretend I was Alain Prost. Going fast in tight circles made the kids excited, dizzy and terrified, correctly recognising their lives were in danger. And all the car parks were empty, what with Sunday trading laws.
Going to the newsagent for a Slush Puppie
More involved than you might at first think. You’ve got to walk there, stare in awe at the new Slush Puppie machine, choose the flavour, grudgingly pay, watch the kids suck out all the syrup in seconds then disappointedly realise they’ve just got a cup of ice crystals, and pick up 20 John Player Special for yourself. What a packed day. They’ll sleep well tonight.
Visiting a featureless manmade lake
A lake is a lake, even if it’s a reservoir. So what if it’s entirely featureless apart from a sign saying ‘DANGER! NO SWIMMING’? Three hours of skimming stones over a vast expanse of grey water and you can go home and cook chips from a large, grimy pan of boiling oil that could set your kitchen alight and has in the past.
Seeing Jodrell Bank from a mile away
The eldest was obsessed with space stuff but the visitor centre’s a right rip-off, Darren down the pub said. So why not enjoy Britain’s most famous radio telescope by stopping the car when you can see it fairly clearly in the distance? If you live down south substitute a local equivalent like Drax power station. Let them have crisps in the car.
Buying a comic
A perfectly good substitute for a day at the zoo. The young one would improve their literacy by selecting a comic, I’d have a scan of the top shelf then pick up the Sun, then it’s back home while they lose themselves in a magical fictional world of horrifically violent warfare. Or future warfare, if they’d bought 2000AD.
Going to the ice-cream van
Some might point out this only takes 15 minutes at most. That is shortsighted. Tell them they’re allowed in the morning and they’ll spend all day listening out, afraid to miss it. Let them have a 99 Flake, an unimaginable gastronomic luxury comparable in those days to the tasting menu at the Fat Duck, and they’re in heaven.
A swift pint or two
Back then play areas hadn’t really been invented, but if dads fancied a pint there were plenty of ways for kids to amuse themselves in the pub, such as eating peanuts and being quiet. Was it technically a day trip? No, but nor is buying a new hedge trimmer and some Rawlplugs from Homebase, and that’s tomorrow’s fun-filled day out.
