Women forced to attend thermostat awareness course

WOMEN across the UK are being forced to attend a one-day thermostat awareness course to learn how they work. 

The courses, run by the Department of Energy, are compulsory for anyone who has committed two or more thermostat misuse infractions in a 72-hour period and are projected to save the UK millions of pounds in bills.

Instructor Dr Thomas Booker said: “This is a thermostat. It can sense the temperature.

“When set to, for example, 21 degrees, it will regulate the temperature of your home at 21 degrees by turning the heating off or on without – and this is important – any need for manual adjustment.

“If you are feeling a little cold and adjust it upwards to, say, 30 degrees, it will not provide a short-term boost of heat but will begin heating the entire home to tropical temperatures. The opposite will happen if adjusted down, though that’s of course entirely theoretical.

“The way to operate a thermostat is simply to choose the temperature you’re most comfortable with and to leave it alone and not touch it. Let me repeat that: pick a temperature, do not touch it and leave it alone.”

Attendee Donna Sheridan said: “Nah. I still don’t get it.”

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Obese children less of a problem than the twats moaning about them

CHILDHOOD obesity is not as serious an issue as all the knobheads droning about how it proves Britain has gone to the dogs, experts believe.

Researchers have found that fat kids are far less damaging to society than the adults who cannot see them without barking self-righteously about videogames or benefits claimants or whatever.

Dr Mary Fisher said: “Overweight children break a few chairs, sure, but there aren’t that many of them.

“Whereas the bores sapping your will to live with incessant rants about children not being allowed to go out and play nowadays because of ‘health and safety’ number in the tens of thousands.

“These hateful compassion-voids really want to bully the playground fatty directly but can’t, so instead they claim that it’s some new phenomenon of modern life like Billy Bunter never happened.

“They need to be put on an immediate diet of shutting the fuck up, coupled with a course of exercising their brains enough to recognise the garbage spewing out of their mouths.”

Fisher added: “The fat kids will probably lose the weight later. Besides, it’s funny watching them try to do sport.”