Would-Be Saints Must Have Virgin Mary's Mobile Number, Says Vatican

CANDIDATES for sainthood will have to meet more demanding criteria, including regular contact with the Virgin Mary, either via mobile phone or email.

Senior Vatican officials want to overhaul the process of sainthood before it is relaunched later this year as a premium product.

Beatification will be rebranded as 'SainthoodSilverClass', while full-scale canonisation will be upgraded to include 24-hour access to the Ambassador's Lounge.

Vatican saintmaster, Monsignor Luigi Bertoni, said: "We're going to need to see a text message or email from the Holy Mother. And not some boring, standard response. It needs to have in-jokes and stuff like that."

He added: "Those who claim to have the stigmata will need to be able to stick a pencil all the way through, or put their hands over their eyes and read out some letters on a card."

Meanwhile the number of required miracles will be increased from two to six, with at least one of them involving a flying carpet or a talking pig.

The miracles will be presented to the Pope who may then grant a provisional feast day and give permission for the candidate's underwear to be displayed in the local church.

If the feast day is a success, and people like the food, the candidate's name then goes into the Pope's Big Christmas Tombola.

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'Ich Bin Nicht Ein Nazi' Says Philip

PRINCE Philip has denied claims he is a Nazi, insisting his passionate racism is merely a hobby.

He said that despite his large collection of flags and uniforms, there was no ideological basis to his bigotry and that it was just something he liked to dabble in at weekends.

The Prince said he was outraged by suggestions that he was a Nazi sympathiser, stressing it was not his fault that he and his family 'had spent so many happy holidays with the Fuhrer, amidst the glorious mountain air of Berchtesgaden'.

Prince Philip, a member of the Argentinian wing of the Danish-German Royal House of Hammer-Cushing-Karloff, is related to most of the crowned heads of Europe, and at least four of their horses.

When they met during the war, the young Princess Elizabeth quickly fell in love with the tall, dashing Zeppelin pilot in his shiny black boots.

The Countess of Barrhead, a contemporary of the couple, said: "Philip was so handsome. In many ways he reminded me of Obergruppenführer Heydrich.

"She was completely smitten and would have done anything for him – even planting a bomb under the Lord Chancellor."

The Prince said last night: "Ich bin nicht ein Nazi. Ich liebe der Juden und der poofenshnabels."

He added: "Ich bin nicht liebe der Chinesenplafs, der Froggenheimers und der Dago-Woppenshnauzers, mit der greasenshlaft und garlickenpoop!"