Younger brother dreams of one day playing PlayStation with the good controller

A NINE-YEAR-OLD has admitted that he dreams of one day playing videogames with an actual official, functioning controller. 

Despite nominally co-owning the PlayStation 4 with older brother Freddie, eight-year-old Joshua Hudson has yet to experience it with an controller that works properly.

He said: “Freddie claimed the controller on Christmas Day, 2017, and said if I ever touched it he’d give me a dead arm. And he’s been true to that promise.

“Instead I have the KraziePlay3010, which is banned in the UK. Mum got it from China. It’s green, on a wire, missing two buttons and has about a half-second lag.

“It continually goes a bit left so you have to hold the joystick always slightly to the right, the circle button gets stuck down so you have to bang it on the table, and the left trigger only works when you pull the right one as well.

“I think this is why I never win on Rocket League and FIFA but Freddie says it’s because I’m crap and the controller’s got nothing to do with it.

“I just want to try it, once, to play Lego Marvel 2 the way the makers intended. But he hides it on a high shelf. Arsehole.”

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The gammon's guide to going abroad

AIR bridges mean that holidaying abroad is back on, so beet-red patriot Roy Hobbs explains how to make the most of two weeks in countries full of foreign bastards.

Learn the lingo

Speaking other languages is as simple as saying the words in English but in a crude imitation of the local accent. Phrases like ‘Oi Pedro! How mucho for trip in el boato?’ or ‘Ou esta dos ketchup, chief?’ and they’ll be grateful you’ve made the effort.

Use your Brexiter’s cognitive dissonance

The EU’s Europe is a filthy, corrupt hellhole full of dangerous immigrants, so only a lunatic would want to go there. However it’s also brilliant for holidays. All good Brexiters have no problem maintaining completely contradictory thoughts, so book that flight to Tenerife now.

Remain in English enclaves

Spain has stunning landmarks like Seville Cathedral and the Prado, but f**k that. Ideally you want somewhere blisteringly hot but with a British-owned Only Fools and Horses-themed bar serving our national drink, Stella, alongside all-day breakfasts.

Don’t ever stop mentioning the war

They appreciate history over there, so seize upon any local link to WW2. Loudly discuss Allied shipping losses to U-boats in the Strait of Gibraltar and the battle for the Mediterranean while propping up the beach bar. Bloody Rommel.

Befriend other Brits

Ideally a borderline-alcoholic middle-aged woman from Romford and her husband sporting a copper bracelet that apparently helps his blood pressure. You’ll be so alike you’ll start to forget who’s who.

Don’t forget a souvenir

After starting a mass brawl on your EasyJet flight home, the resultant Daily Mail article ‘MID-AIR PUNCH-UP SHAME OF BOOZE BRITS’ will be yours to keep and treasure for the rest of your life.