Wednesday, 28th October 2020

Get in shape with Boris Johnson

LOOKING to shift that lockdown paunch? The PM explains how you too can achieve his Adonis-like physique.

Do a single press-up

So what if Keir could do 50 in his sleep? When you’re wearing a shirt and tie a single push up is all you need. Ensure you invite the right wing press to take a snap as you attempt to heave your bedraggled mass off the floor.

Dangle from a zip wire

The altitude and groin pressure will blast your abs more than planks and crunches ever could. An example of Herculean strength such as myself can even do this while simultaneously waving shakeweights disguised as Union Jacks.

ABS – Always Be Shagging

You’ll need a nubile young gym buddy for this one, and it can take a while to find the right personal trainer. The results speak for themselves, though after a while you’ll need a new partner as the current one will be getting swollen around the belly.

Boot out the doomsters

In every corner of the Conservative party and the Civil Service are doomsters and gloomsters, telling you things like ‘that’s scientifically impossible’ and ‘are you mental?’ Exercise the old legs by booting out anyone endangering Britain’s future by disagreeing with you.

Dodge the media

And finally, play a game of skill and confidence by dodging any and all appearances on media outlets that don’t fully support you. It’s an activity that keeps you fit and healthy as you dodge Piers Morgan one way, Newsnight the other, and parliamentary scrutiny down the middle.