'If you imagine there is a woman beneath me, and I go up and down' explains Johnson

BORIS Johnson has demonstrated his legendary lovemaking technique to Mail readers who could not adore him more. 

The prime minister lay prone and raised himself up and down repeatedly to show the Mail on Sunday exactly how he has managed to father so many children.

He continued: “So if you imagine the lady is lying here, on the historic Downing Street carpet, and I’ve pulled down my trousers to just below the buttock.

“She will lie still or move about a bit or do whatever she wants, that doesn’t concern me, and I will simply repeat this motion until I’m finished.

“That can take as many as 50 times, if it’s my second or third mistress of the day, or it can be efficiently over and done in just a few pushes and I can move onto the next thing.

“The key is to keep in regular practice. No slacking off. If you’ve not done your thrusts for that day, then find a woman, take the time and get them done.”

Johnson then challenged Labour leader Sir Keir Starmer to a ‘six-bird shag-off’, adding that he doubted he was man enough to accept.

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Man who did Glastonbury at home f**ks off and leaves mess for someone else to clean up

A MAN who did Glastonbury in his own garden has left his half-collapsed tent and all his rubbish for some other f**ker to sort out. 

Nathan Muir set up his own Glast-home-bury including a flatscreen TV in a pyramid tent, a bar and a chill-out area, and is now in his car speeding away from all of it.

He said: “F**king incredible weekend. Highlight of my year. Got in a right state though. No way can I face sorting all that out.

“I was sick behind the bar – not my fault, bad ‘shrooms – I got tangle in a bunch of lights and they didn’t work after that, and the tent is just a wreck. Didn’t cost much anyway. I think they give them refugees or something.

“Then after the Bowie set it got a bit cold so I started a fire, and the trellis went up and I think half of the fence next to that. Nobody minds. That’s the spirit of Glasto.

“It’s not like I was going to lug 72 empty beer cans to my car. Bollocks to that. And so what if I crapped in the pond? Better than the toilets.”

Muir then arrived back at his house and cursed ‘hippy bastards’ who ‘talk all that eco-shit but are just selfish twats’ before getting the bin-bags out.