One-way system in Next basically fascism, says mum

A MOTHER of three adult children has called them all to say the new one-way system in Next is tantamount to an authoritarian regime. 

Eleanor Shaw, aged 58, was horrified to discover that the store had deployed arrows and signs to ensure minimal contact between customers, a policy that she is certain has its origins in Mussolini’s Italy.

She continued: “I’ve been shopping here for years. Several times I’ve been in the first ten through the door for a 5am sale. Now suddenly I’m expected to walk around men’s shoes before I get to the kids section?

“I’ve no moral objection to going around furniture. Our Janice got a lovely pair of wingback chairs there. But when they’re forcing me that’s taking away my rights.

“Anyone who believes in democracy would agree that I should be able to browse however I choose. I certainly didn’t vote for this pandemic.

“I’m not going to pretend this experience hasn’t radicalised me. I was going to go to the big John Lewis in town instead but it’s not open. Burn it. Burn it all down.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Can your common sense defeat COVID-19? Take our quiz

GOOD old British common sense, of the kind that’s been so prevalent in the last few years, will beat coronavirus. But have you got the gumption? 

You travel on public transport for work, but most passengers aren’t wearing masks. What do you do?

A) Get a bike or electric scooter and commute on that instead, to minimise risk
B) Tut

The chain restaurant you work at opens on Saturday, but your employers have provided no PPE. What do you do?

A) Get together with other staff and refuse to work until they sort it out
B) Explain to customers that you haven’t got any PPE, perform a what-can-you-do shrug then tell them about the two-for-one offers

You head for a day at the beach, but when you arrive there are already thousands there. What do you do? 

A) Turn around and go home. It’s disappointing but not worth the risk
B) Alright it’s busy, but why should you have to be the one who misses out? Set up your towel and glare at everyone

You have COVID-19 symptoms. What do you do?

A) Socially isolate for 14 days, call the test-and-trace line with full details of your movements, and stay in bed until you recover
B) Go into work as usual. Boris says the British high street needs bustle


Mostly As: You have ignored common sense and are being hysterical. Buckle up and stop being silly.

Mostly Bs: Congratulations on your common sense. You have defeated the virus. Your commemorative certificate is in the post.