Scotland Marks Start Of National Drinking Season

NATIONAL Drinking Season kicked-off in spectacular fashion over the bank holiday weekend with more than 125,000 arrests and pandemonium across the country.

This man is about to start talking out of his arse

Scotland is now embarked upon 12 months of vigorous drinking which will attract and repel tourists from every corner of the globe.

National Drinking Season has seen radical changes in recent years including the introduction of table service, an increasing variety of New World wines and a vicious crackdown by the police.

But despite the doom-laden predictions, the banning of happy hour has encouraged an even greater determination to put careers and relationships in jeopardy.

Scots can now look forward to key Drinking Season events including the Glasgow Fair, the Royal Highland Show and Edinburgh's world famous Falling Head-First Down the Playfair Steps contest at the end of October.

Norman MacLean, this year's Grand Commissioner of National Drinking Season, said: "Scots lead the world in their capacity to experiment with exotic liquers, start baffling, pointless arguments and wet themselves in the back of taxis.

"I suppose we could concentrate our energies on economic growth and building efficient, value for money public services, but why bother when you could be down the pub, talking directly out of your arse?"