Scottish Executive 'Removed Workers' Body Parts, While They Were Still At Their Desks'

AN official inquiry is to be launched into claims the Scottish Executive removed the body parts of staff while they were sitting at their desks.

Dozens of Executive civil servants have complained to their trade unions of having parts taken without permission.

Molly Gilmore, who works in the Executive's rural affairs department, said: "I'd been working on farm payments all morning and got up to go for a coffee.

"Next thing I know, I've keeled over. I looked down to discover that my left leg was missing below the knee. Someone had whipped it off without so much as a by your leave."

Roy Hobbs, a finance department official, said: "I was emailing members of my team about council tax benefit when all of a sudden I noticed I was typing gibberish.

"I looked down to discover that both my index fingers had been removed. I immediately picked up the phone to dial human resources but of course that quickly descended into a complete farce."

Susan Traherne, an admin assistant in the education and lifelong learning  department said: "I'd just come back from lunch and sat down at my desk.

"I though to myself, 'that doesn't feel quite right'. So I stood up again only to discover that someone had, quite literally, pinched my arse."

An executive spokesman said: "We are concerned to discover that colleagues have been subjected to unwarranted body part removal.

"Enshrined in our mission statement is a commitment to always ask permission before removing limbs or organs from our workforce.

"We will investigate this thoroughly and those responsible could be forced to retire on full pension with a substantial redundancy settlement."

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'Pointless Research' Gene Discovered

RESEARCHERS last night claimed they had discovered a gene which increases people’s propensity to launch enquiries into the bleeding obvious.

According to the scientists people with two copies of the “obvious” gene had a 70% higher risk of spending their lives working on pointless experiments to prove what we already know than those with none.

Professor Tom Booker of Glasgow’s Clyde University medical school said the amazing discovery was made purely by accident while he and his team were working on another experiment.

“We were busy on a project investigating whether people prefer crisps to raw slices of indigestible potato when one of our subjects suggested this was a waste of time.

“We then reviewed all the department’s experiments for the last decade and discovered that every one of them had just proved something everyone already knew.”

The team then tested each other on their ability to spot the obvious against a control group of normal people.

Both groups were asked a series of questions such as “are clean windows easier to see through than dirty ones?” and “are homicidal maniacs more likely to commit murder than priests?”

On each occasion the general public answered the questions correctly while the scientists said they did not have a clue and asked for a large grant to fund a protracted research project into the subject.

Prof Booker said subsequent testing showed that none of the general public had a copy of the “obvious” gene, while all the scientists had at least two.

He said this suggested many scientists had a genetic predisposition towards studying the bleeding obvious and that, therefore, the general public should be a little less hard on them next time they published research proving that people walking down the street with their eyes open were less likely to walk into lampposts than those who had them shut.