Scottish Executive ‘Removed Workers’ Body Parts, While They Were Still At Their Desks’

AN official inquiry is to be launched into claims the Scottish Executive removed the body parts of staff while they were sitting at their desks.

Dozens of Executive civil servants have complained to their trade unions of having parts taken without permission.

Molly Gilmore, who works in the Executive's rural affairs department, said: "I'd been working on farm payments all morning and got up to go for a coffee.

"Next thing I know, I've keeled over. I looked down to discover that my left leg was missing below the knee. Someone had whipped it off without so much as a by your leave."

Roy Hobbs, a finance department official, said: "I was emailing members of my team about council tax benefit when all of a sudden I noticed I was typing gibberish.

"I looked down to discover that both my index fingers had been removed. I immediately picked up the phone to dial human resources but of course that quickly descended into a complete farce."

Susan Traherne, an admin assistant in the education and lifelong learning  department said: "I'd just come back from lunch and sat down at my desk.

"I though to myself, 'that doesn't feel quite right'. So I stood up again only to discover that someone had, quite literally, pinched my arse."

An executive spokesman said: "We are concerned to discover that colleagues have been subjected to unwarranted body part removal.

"Enshrined in our mission statement is a commitment to always ask permission before removing limbs or organs from our workforce.

"We will investigate this thoroughly and those responsible could be forced to retire on full pension with a substantial redundancy settlement."