Friday, 4th December 2020

Nine things to pretend you're looking forward to

CHRISTMAS will be cancelled, booking a holiday is idiocy and the calendar is blank. Convince people you’ve not given up all hope by pretending to look forward to these:

New Year’s Eve, because you might not be able to go out but at least 2020 will be over and done with.

Trump Day, when the former president is forced to leave the White House by secret service agents and left on the street outside with all his stuff.

Lockdown III, beginning in mid-February, when it’s so dark and cold and wet outside that it’s actually doing Britain a real favour.

Pancake Day, because it’s unaffected by any of this crap and you get to eat pancakes.

The Friends reunion special, which is just the cast talking about old episodes like the boring old nostalgic bastards they and you have become.

The anniversary of the first lockdown, celebrated by standing on the doorstep and gazing morosely into the middle distance alongside your neighbours.

Phase Four of the Marvel Cinematic Universe begins, if you still want to watch that crap after a genuine global threat where Tony Stark did nothing.

The first vaccines are administered, and you excitedly log on to find that just 37,832,885 more and it’ll be your turn.

Love Island 2021: When The Plague Takes Us All, These People Will Repopulate Earth.