150th anniversary of Underground is grounds for a strike, claim tube drivers


TUBE drivers are planning to mark the 150th anniversary of London’s underground system with a strike.

Start-stop button pusher Tom Booker said: “It means extra media attention is directed towards the tube, which is turn means more pressure for train drivers.

“Really we should get an extra £4,000 per shift because of that. And some nice chocolates – not Terry’s All Gold or Milk Tray.

“From a proper chocolatier.”



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Earth is 17 billionth on 'desirable planets' list

EARTH is the worst of 17 billion similar planets, according to a universe-wide survey.

The discovery was made when the Institute for Studies deciphered a radio message emanating from the Horsehead Nebula.

Initially thought to contain secrets of an alien civilisation, it was actually an extra-terrestrial journalist looking for a quote.

Professor Henry Brubaker explains: “The message was quite simple – ‘How does it feel to live on the universe’s shittiest shitball?’  It was quite a shock.”

“Apparently there are planets out there with mountains made of Toblerone, or that have air with just a hint of laughing gas.  And we got black widow spiders and Sara Cox.”

Scientists believe factors in Earth’s low status may include rock songs with rapping in them, bus stations and ‘breakfast biscuits’.

Mary Fisher, an accountant from Cirencester, said: “For years we’ve had David Attenborough and Brian Cox banging on about Earth like it’s the Rolls Royce of planets.  Turns out it’s a second hand Austin Maestro.”

Scientist Stephen Malley is optimistic that Earth can improve its ranking:  “There are planets ranked above us that are constantly on fire.

“If we can improve global parking shortages by tarmacing Wales and hide places like Harlow, we could easily break into the top 11 billion.”