18-year-olds with great A-levels excited for lifetime of debt

TEENAGERS who have achieved high grades in their A-levels are excited to go to university and rack up tens of thousands of pounds of debt.

Students with the necessary grades to take up their conditional offers say they cannot wait for a debt out of all proportion to their likely earnings that will make them hate themselves for not doing a tedious accountancy degree.

Lucy Phipps, who got three As and an A*, said: “I worked really hard to get these grades, so I deserve my place on the Art History degree that is going to make me not very employable and cripple me financially for decades to come.

“The stress, the late nights revising and the nerve-wracking wait for results have all been worth it because I can spend three years in London, one of the most expensive cities on earth, blazing through a loan that I will be paying back forever. Plus interest.

“What an immense achievement. My parents are so proud of me. That’s why they’re crying.”

Her older brother Josh Phipps, who failed to get the grades to do A-levels and did a plumbing apprenticeship instead, said: “I’m already on £40k a year. Who’s the thicko now, Luce?

“Having said that, combi boilers are f**king boring. You can’t win.”

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21 names to immediately mark out your child as a twat

IT takes less than three seconds for people to decide if your child is a twat, based only on their name. Beware these inexplicably popular choices.


Archie: Raised by people who chose an incredibly obvious name popularised by Harry and Meghan, how can he ever be anything other than a twat?

Boris: A doomed start in life, like calling your child ‘Dahmer’.

Diesel: Vin Diesel will be forgotten, and your child will be named after fuel used in lorries.

Harry: Increasingly associated with JK Rowling and transphobic Twitter rows.

Jaxon: Often heard being shouted in playgrounds, usually followed by ‘stop hitting Liam’.

Mason: Frequently found with a magnifying glass trying to burn snails to death.

Piers: 58-year-old man-children called Piers are especially twattish.

Rafa: Chosen by fans of either football, tennis or the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. If it’s the latter, give in to your idiotic taste and call the rest of your brood Leo, Donnie, Splinter, etc.

Sonny: Named by fans of The Godfather or by people who can’t spell Sunny? It’s anyone’s guess.

Tyson: You just know his dad has a pitbull. Possibly also called Tyson.


Arya: Chosen by parents after season one of Game of Thrones, who then watched in horror as the character became a deranged psychopath in later seasons.

Chardonnay: You could have picked a classier type of alcohol for a name. Not Malibu. And it’s not ideal, but ‘WKD’ is at least original.

Chelsea: Other parts of London you can name your daughter after include Victoria, Angel and Cockfosters. 

Cortnee: Oh come on, give them a break.

Genevieve: Owns at least one horse by the age of seven. And wait till she sees the film.

Hermione: Nominative determinism will ensure she’s as annoying as the character in the Harry Potter films.

India: Meant to sound exotic, but falls dismally short given that you live in a red-brick former council estate in Kettering.

Kelly-Charlotte, or any compound girl’s name: Names like Sienna and Molly are fine on their own, but when a hyphen and another name is randomly clagged on, the twattery begins.

Mercedes: Ironic, given that her parents drive a Skoda and a second-hand Peugeot.

Niamh: Only Irish people should be allowed to call their daughters Niamh. See also: Aoife, Saoirse and Roisin. A lifetime of explaining how to pronounce her name five times a day will tip her into psychopathy.

Princess: Anything but.