1999 VW Golf with faulty exhaust now a London status symbol

DRIVING a knackered old hatchback in central London now costs £21.50 a day, so everyone wants to do it.

Hedge fund managers, commodity brokers and oil billionaires are trading in their Maybachs and Bentleys for Ford Escorts, Vauxhall Vectras and Rover 200s with exhausts held on by gaffer tape. 

Julian Cook, a cosmetic surgeon pulling in seven figures a year, said: “Your car cost you 200 grand? Sure. But what does it cost you per day?

“This little beauty – VW Polo, three doors, the winder on the passenger side window’s broken – costs me £21.50 a day. Five grand a year. And I pay it like it’s nothing. 

“Seriously, check out the emissions on this bitch. The only time what’s pumping out of the exhaust isn’t blue is when it’s straight black. When I go past people think I’m a bus.” 

Market trader Roy Hobbs said: “I can’t afford to run my 2000 Corrolla anymore. I had to swap it with some flash City bastard for a BMW 5-series that’s only last year.” 

Mayor Sadiq Khan said: “London will be the most polluted city in the world by 2019. In your face, Bejing.” 

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Woman who absolutely hates Walking Dead very excited that it's back on

A WOMAN who cannot stand zombie television series The Walking Dead is very excited that it’s back on television.

27-year-old Nikki Hollis said: “This programme is such a pile of toss.

“I’ve watched 100 hours of it and the last 50 hours was mostly men with beards threatening each other. I probably could have written a book during that time.

“That said, I’ll definitely be watching tonight. I cannot wait to see more of my favourite characters’ stories unfolding very slowly, and explosions that look like they were made by a kid on a GCSE special effects courses.

“Seems like I’m on board now until the bitter end. I’ll watch this programme until I die, then get resurrected as a zombie to keep watching it for all eternity, or until they kill off Daryl.”