Tories to change Universal Credit but only for evil bastard reasons

UNIVERSAL Credit is to be reformed but out of self-interest not human decency, Tories have revealed.

Conservative MPs see no problem in admitting they do not want another PR disaster like the Poll Tax but still view benefits claimants as pointless semi-humans.

Theresa May said: “The system should be overhauled so people don’t go for weeks without money to buy food. It’s just not right in this day and age when they can easily go on TV and make us look bad.

“When I hear of families becoming homeless, it brings tears to my eyes thinking of MPs losing their seats over these tracksuited deadbeats.

“However we don’t want to make benefits too appealing, so we’re continuing with our plan to let Iain Duncan Smith menace people with a Freddy Krueger glove before they can make a claim.”