25 years since Diana: is Britain ready to talk about going mad for a week?

A QUARTER-CENTURY on from the death of the Princess of Wales, the UK is still coughing and avoiding the subject of its behaviour that week. Why? 

Francesca Johnson, aged 84, ardent Royalist

I love the Royal family and Princess Di was my absolute favourite. The moment I found out I was heartbroken. I rushed to London to leave flowers on the Mall, wrote a poem about her being an angel in the condolence book, and cried absolute buckets through the funeral. It was a wonderful week and I wish we could be that united again.

Norman Steele, aged 71, former welder

I’ve never been bothered about the Royals, including Di. But the moment I found out I was heartbroken. I rushed to London to leave flowers on the Mall, wrote a poem about her being Britannia in the condolence book, and cried absolute buckets through the funeral. I still don’t understand what happened to me. I’ve been largely indifferent since.

Jo Kramer, aged 48, teacher

It was just another celebrity death to me. Until the whole country was plunged into mourning, everyone was red-eyed at work, we forced the Queen to fly the flag at half-mast and the local paper was running outraged stories about people daring to rent videos when the funeral was on. Since that week, I’ve understood that everyone is mental.

Julian Cook, aged 55, journalist

It was a real rollercoaster. From boarding up the windows against lynch mobs, to the marvellous discovery it was the chauffeur’s fault and marshalling a tsunami of grief to flood a country which a week ago was buying our tabloids with paparazzi shots of her snogging Dodi. We learned our lesson and now we hound her son’s wife instead.

Joe Turner, aged 43, prisoner

I was only 18, made the mistake of calling the departed a ‘posh slag’ and was jailed indefinitely under the England’s Rose Act rushed through parliament by Blair. I’m still here because nobody’s willing to repeal the laws as it would mean thinking about them. I have to write a 600-line poem about how wonderful she was every day.

Lucy Parry, aged 30, marketing manager

I was five at the time and fully believed in princesses. I thought she was the most perfect woman who ever lived, that flowers grew where she walked, that she personally cleared the world of landmines and that she was looking down on me from heaven, blessing me. I was five. What was everyone else’s excuse?

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Johnson planning one last farewell scandal

BORIS Johnson is planning one last epic scandal to shock and disgust the nation before leaving Number 10, it has emerged.

While appearing to have been holidaying for the last few weeks, the prime minister has been busily working on a climactic outrage that will act as a crowning achievement and grotesque metaphor for his time in power.

A Downing Street spokesperson said: “This is the finale of Boris’s idiotic career, so expect something big. There’ll be nods to his previous f**k-ups to keep longtime fans happy, plus gratuitous titillation and massive explosions to appeal to the masses.

“In comparison his previous scandals will seem trivial. Future historians will look at Partygate, Chris Pincher, lying to the Queen and unlawfully proroguing parliament, shacking up with Jennifer Arcuri and the Owen Paterson affair as the works of an amateur still honing his craft. It’ll even eclipse the Cameron pig story.

“Obviously I can’t give anything away, but let’s just say you won’t be able to look at garden gnomes in the same way again. When the first shipping container of coked-up nuns is found in Dover, you’ll know it’s begun.”

Carrie Johnson added: “I’m going to be impregnated with octuplets to distract from this one.”