31-year old unsure if she is a 'millennial' or some other bullshit thing

A WOMAN in her early thirties has no idea if ‘millennial’ is the right bullshit label for her.

Emma Bradford is racked with uncertainty over whether to identify with the term, with her doubts compounded by the suspicion that only millennials worry about being called millennials.

Bradford said: “I think Twitter is a waste of time, but I’m on Instagram. I watch Game of Thrones but not Doctor Who. I eat gluten but not kale.

“When Buzzfeed writes a listicle that they claim only millennials will understand, I usually understand about half of it.

“I live by myself, which is not very millennial, but on the other hand, I’m a self-employed person whose job involves helping evil corporations sell shit, which is millennial as fuck.”

Bradford added: “I read the other week that I’m part of Generation Brexit, but if you call me that I will drop you.

“The horrible truth is that I am probably just fairly normal.”

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Queen to teach Trump a thing or two about vulgar interior design

THE QUEEN will invite Donald Trump to Buckingham Palace to show him how to do gaudy interior design properly.

She will show the billionaire casino owner her refurbishment plans for the Palace which, officials believe, will make Trump feel like an amateur on a tight budget.

A Royal insider said: “It’s not like we’re going to redo the Palace in a rustic oak, ‘Shaker-style’. There is going to be a shitload of gold paint. An absolute shitload. Trump will feel like a country bumpkin.

“That said, the Queen is an obscenely wealthy chancer with a staggering contempt for every single one of you, so they’ll probably get along.”

Trump has been a big fan of the Queen ever since he saw TV footage of her being driven down the Mall in a gold carriage, which he described as ‘very classy’.

No date has been set yet for the visit but palace staff have already started work on a state banquet that will feature 15 courses of opulent-yet-bland food and no black people.