Man feeling betrayed by Carrie Fisher affair

A MAN is experiencing feelings of betrayal over Carrie Fisher’s affair with co-star Harrison Ford.

48-year-old Tom Logan feels Fisher somehow cheated on him during the 1976 fling, despite it being illogical to feel possessive about an actress because she played a feisty space princess 40 years ago.

Accountant Tom Logan said: “When I read about it in the Observer, I had to take the dog for a walk so my family wouldn’t see me crying.

“We didn’t have a relationship in the conventional sense due to her not knowing I exist and famous actresses not dating eight-year-old boys from Knutsford, but it still hurts.

“I can see why Leia – sorry Carrie – would be attracted to Harrison, but I can guarantee I spent more time thinking up adventures for her Star Wars action figure than he ever did.

“It’s wrong that she was out cavorting with her fancy man while I was sitting at home worrying about the galactic rebellion.”

He added: “I’ve loved and respected her ever since I first saw her on the Death Star telling Governor Tarkin to fuck off.

“I’m hoping I can still watch Star Wars: Episode VIII without thinking about Harrison Ford’s arse bobbing up and down.”

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Scientists believe reality is a dream in racist nan’s mind

OUR reality is just a dream in the mind of a nan who doesn’t like foreigners, it has been claimed.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies were trying to find a rational explanation for why everything is going insane when they hit upon the ‘Nan-Mind’ theory.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “It’s like the Matrix, except instead of intelligent machines creating our reality it’s a nan.

“Basically the nan, who lives in another dimension and is quite racist, is asleep after a drinking massive mug of Horlick’s and watching the snooker for four hours, and we are all living in her dream.”

Professor Brubaker believes the theory explains everything from Brexit to hipsters.

He said: “Nans want everything to be like it was just after the war, which is why we’re seeing young men with braces and Brylcreem in their hair.

“The Nan-Mind theory also explains the popularity of gin and knitting.”

However 91-year-old nan Mary Fisher said: “If this was all my dream, things would be much more racist and you would still get bags of hard little sweets called ‘Imps’ for 3p.”