34-year-old furious his mother hasn’t bought him an advent calendar

A 34-YEAR-OLD man is outraged that his mother has not bought him an advent calendar for the first year ever. 

Tom Logan, from Mansfield, endured a 90-minute visit from his pensioner mother yesterday only to not be given the Cadbury’s advent calendar he has received every December since 1986.

Logan said: “So that’s it, is it. No door to open. No chocolate. No countdown. No gift of motherly love to get me excited about the most wonderful time of the year.

“The last few times I’ve done a whole ‘ha ha, are we still doing this?’ thing which I now bitterly regret, but that doesn’t mean she can just abandon a 30-year tradition.

“I’ve been out to the shop and I’ve bought my own. When she sees it, I hope she appreciates the pain she’s caused.”

Logan added: “We’re at my girlfriend’s for Christmas this year and my sister’s abroad.

“Mum prefers her own company anyway.”

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Woman actually didn’t get text

FOR the first time in recorded history, the excuse of not having received a text message has proved to be genuine.

Although it is a traditional go-to excuse for avoiding things, a human is more likely to be struck by lighting than to not receive a text message.

Mary Fisher said: “My sister swears she texted me about going swimming, I always ignore texts so immediately lied about not having gotten it. However when I did check my phone, it wasn’t there.

“I’ve been telling people I didn’t get their text for years, but I never for one minute expected it to happen. It has left me in the somewhat awkward position of having to explain that the last 350 times I’d said that, it was bullshit.

“Now I’ll have to go back to saying I’ve been attacked by a massive fox as my standard excuse for not replying.”

Network providers admitted that every now and again they will not deliver a text if they’re in a bad mood.

A T-Mobile spokesman said: “One in every 1,000,000 texts we replace with ’This marriage isn’t working any more’. Then we sit back and see what happens.”