34-year-old skateboarder wows high street

A GROWN man has wowed onlookers by skateboarding down a high street and doing some sort of flip that didn’t come off.

Wayne Hayes, who has skated for the last 19 years, took to Stevenage city centre to show off his skills in the hope a beautiful woman would fall madly in love with him, or at least offer him no-strings sex.

Hayes said: “I think when women get a bit older they are looking for a guy who is into unpaid street sports and wears shorts all year round.

“Local police are routinely telling me to use the council skate facilities in the park, I nod politely but I don’t listen. I think deep down they respect me for that.”

Shop assistant Nikki Hollis said: “God, he really messed up that flip thing he was trying, and he was totally humourless about it.

“Which means he’s not a good skateboarder and he’s a bit of a knobhead too. Every girl’s dream.”

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Poldark to gain weight and realise he is gay

THE BBC drama Poldark is to become even more gripping as the main character gains four stone and struggles with his sexuality.

Brooding hero Ross Poldark will become morbidly obese and start exploring the 18th century Cornish gay scene.

Head writer Tom Logan said: “Poldark starts comfort eating because of the stress of being charged with murder, and soon he’s too fat to get on his horse.

“He tries to work it off in the copper mine but gives up because he’s eating far too many pasties. Meanwhile his wife Demelza has started sleeping in a separate bed so there are no more sex scenes either.

“While he struggles to control his calorie intake, Ross starts to experience long-repressed feelings of being attracted to men and starts visiting the local docks for furtive encounters with burly sailors.

“It’s a change in direction but we’re sure Poldark viewers would prefer to be challenged than just watch a hot guy defying authority and taking his shirt off.”