46 Year-Old Man Sells Virginity In Local Freesheet

A QUIET, middle-aged science fiction and traction engine enthusiast has advertised his virginity for £6 or nearest offer.

Single, 46 year-old planning officer Roy Hobbs, from Acton, hopes that selling his virtue in Trade-It will furnish him with the last bit of cash he needs to buy a limited-edition pewter scale-model of a Romulan scout ship in a clear display case from Forbidden Planet.

He said: "The designated night of sexual congress is next Tuesday, when mother is out at her craft club until at least 9.30pm.

"I have purchased a packet of mint Viscounts and Heart FM will be playing at low volume.

"Ideally the person who buys my virginity will be a patient, considerate older woman with a nice, soothing voice. A bit like mother but with different-coloured hair."

Roy's advertisement has attracted several interested buyers, but he has been unable to agree satisfactory terms.

He said: "The last chap walked around me several times and gave me a light kick in the shin before saying I wasn't what he was looking for, but his brother-in-law's cousin, who lives in York, might be interested. He never called back.

"Then a couple rang up and said they were going to come and have a look at me, but they couldn't find the house  – there's no number on the front and it is very poorly signposted around here."

He added: "The original advert said 'no perverts' but I'm thinking of changing it to 'no perverts or time wasters'."

Chingford-based student Nikki Hollis met with more success recently when she sold the opportunity to finger her on Ebay with a 'Buy It Now' price of £10.

She said: "The sixty or so men who paid weren't sleazy at all. Creepy perhaps, but not sleazy.

"I'm going to spend the money on tuition fees and Marlboro Lights."


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Avram Grant Congratulated On Fantastic Wife

FOOTBALL manager and brothel enthusiast Avram Grant has the world's finest wife, according to a new survey.

Tzofit Grant has won plaudits from married men after supporting her husband's visits to a Thai tug shop and offering to go with him next time and hold the baby oil.

A spokesman for polling company EDBT, said: "As well as being tall, attractive and talented, she obviously goes like Speedy Gonzales bursting for a shit. Eighty-five percent of our respondents wanted to know if she had a sister."

Tzofit is now expected to be crowned Woman of the Year next week, with polling having been formally closed 11 months early.

The spokesman added: "I don't see how any other woman is going to top this, unless Scarlett Johansson goes on an eight-month lesbian odyssey with a camcorder, or Sarah Brown finally does something useful with a pillow while he's sleeping."

Wayne Hayes, a panel beater from Carlisle, said: "My missus finds out I gave the receptionist from work a lift home – a lift, mind you – and I'm humping my hand for a month.

"Tzofit finds out her feller has been getting the banquet for four in a knocking shop and she gently chides him for not inviting her along. I. Am. In. Love."

The Porstmouth manager acknowledged his good fortune, saying: "Despite looking like the arch enemy of Dangermouse, Tzofit still loves me and supports my hobbies. I'd tell you what a great cook she is as well but you'd probably hunt me down and roast me over a campfire."

He added: "One thing I will say is this – that thing your wife only does begrudgingly on your birthday? Every morning before breakfast.

"Happy Days."