84 per cent think WW1 was fought against Martians

MOST Britons think World War One involved extraterrestrials in massive tripods, it has emerged.

Bullets bounced off them

Experts believe centenary commemorations may be complicated by the widely-held belief that WW1 ended when the alien invaders died of a common cold.

Father-of-two Stephen Malley said: “Modern ignorance is disgusting, most people don’t even know about the red weed or how they drank our blood.

“I’m make sure my kids watch the Tom Cruise documentary film version of the war at least once a year, or the musical version by Jeff Wayne with disco music in it.”

Historian Mary Fisher said: “In fairness it was a hundred years ago and it’s difficult to hold all that stuff in your head what with all the good animal clips on YouTube these days.

“Even the most hardcore academics have forgotten the details and rely entirely on Wikipedia.

“I watched an interview with Harry Patch, he was very old so it’s safe to assume that those who fought in the war were pretty old at the time, probably about sixty.

“Not totally sure why it happened, probably something to do with Hitler.”

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British and German holidaymakers joint worst, says rest of Europe

EUROPE has ended the argument about whether British or German holidaymakers are the worst by confirming that they both are.

Tourist destinations across the continent have confirmed that the ones who won the world wars and the ones who won the World Cups are essentially interchangeable.

Dimitris Martakis of Greece said: “Both are fat, both are blindingly white, both drink beer until it is seeping out of their eyes and both are idiotically proud of their damp, grey hellholes.

“When a shaven-headed man with tattooed moobs is screaming at me to pour the shots in his mouth quicker, does it really matter which language he screams in?

“Unpalatable national cuisine, techno music, a pig-headed refusal to take siestas – the only reason you despise one another is that you’re so alike.”