A day in the life of a ‘gammon’

HAVE you ever wondered what it’s like being a permanently furious middle-aged white man? Here gammon Roy Hobbs describes a typical day.

8.30am. Read the Daily Express over breakfast. Apparently the EU wants to ban Christmas presents! I haven’t even finished my eggy soldiers and I’m already furious.

9.30am. Arrive at my office in Chichester. Lucy asks if I want a cup of tea. The way women are these days I’m lucky she didn’t sue me for sexual harassment just for saying ‘hello’.

11.30am. Go outside for a fag. Get really angry when I imagine in detail Chichester becoming a multicultural hellhole with a mosque and a scooter gang on every corner.

1pm. Lunch. Have a bacon sandwich before they’re banned to avoid offending The People We’re Not Allowed To Talk About. Vein in my neck really pulsating now.

2.30pm. Get the biscuits out and spend the afternoon on BBC comments under my username ‘SodOffGordonBroon’. Put a few millennial snowflakes to rights about how easy they’ve got it these days.

7pm. Dinner with the wife in my house that’s quadrupled in value due to buying at the right time. Remember how oppressed I am as a middle-aged white man and am forced to have a large glass of Merlot to calm down.

10pm. Go to BBC Question Time in Chichester. Whenever the one Remainer panellist says anything I shout ‘RUBBISH! BLOODY RUBBISH!’. It’s about time these quisling traitor bastards were made to listen to reason.

12.30am. Finally get to bed. No idea why, but I feel too angry to sleep for some reason.