A day in the life of a 'gammon'

HAVE you ever wondered what it’s like being a permanently furious middle-aged white man? Here gammon Roy Hobbs describes a typical day.

8.30am. Read the Daily Express over breakfast. Apparently the EU wants to ban Christmas presents! I haven’t even finished my eggy soldiers and I’m already furious.

9.30am. Arrive at my office in Chichester. Lucy asks if I want a cup of tea. The way women are these days I’m lucky she didn’t sue me for sexual harassment just for saying ‘hello’.

11.30am. Go outside for a fag. Get really angry when I imagine in detail Chichester becoming a multicultural hellhole with a mosque and a scooter gang on every corner.

1pm. Lunch. Have a bacon sandwich before they’re banned to avoid offending The People We’re Not Allowed To Talk About. Vein in my neck really pulsating now.

2.30pm. Get the biscuits out and spend the afternoon on BBC comments under my username ‘SodOffGordonBroon’. Put a few millennial snowflakes to rights about how easy they’ve got it these days.

7pm. Dinner with the wife in my house that’s quadrupled in value due to buying at the right time. Remember how oppressed I am as a middle-aged white man and am forced to have a large glass of Merlot to calm down.

10pm. Go to BBC Question Time in Chichester. Whenever the one Remainer panellist says anything I shout ‘RUBBISH! BLOODY RUBBISH!’. It’s about time these quisling traitor bastards were made to listen to reason.

12.30am. Finally get to bed. No idea why, but I feel too angry to sleep for some reason.

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I was just putting up a shelf, admits Russian astronaut

AN astronaut on the International Space Station forgot there was just space outside when he drilled a hole for a shelf, he has admitted.

Ivan Bobrov told investigators he caused an air leak while trying to give the Soyuz craft’s interior ‘a bit of sprucing up’, adding that he watched a lot of DIY SOS

He continued: “It’s just really bare and impersonal inside the space station. Nothing grabs your eye so I wanted to add some visual texture. 

“The shelf was going to be for us to put our knick-knacks on, you know, souvenirs of our orbital flight, and I was going to do a watercolour of Lake Baikal for the control room. 

“Unfortunately it’s a supporting wall of the space station so I couldn’t get a nail in, then I had some issues with the drill, then I realised that a shelf wouldn’t work in zero gravity anyway. 

“But I’ve still got six tins of Dulux White Chiffon. Slap that on, few pot plants, sell this old hulk on for a profit.”