A-level student can't wait to find out what his teacher guessed his grades were

AN A-LEVEL student has admitted he is on tenterhooks to find out what his teachers took a wild guess at his results being. 

Oliver O’Connor knows that his whole future could depend on whatever grade his teachers stuck a pin in back in May, and really hopes they got it right.

He said: “Pretty sure Mr Brennan who does law realised that while on the surface I preferred bunking off down the park to smoke weed, I’m one of those students who pulls out all the stops before the exams and does unexpectedly well.

“And while I may not have known all the facts in history, my fundamentals were strong and a few all-nighters on the ProPlus would have seen me sail through. Mrs Heydecker would have spotted that.

“English Language I’ll obviously get an A, because it’s a free ride of a subject which I’m confident Mr Harvey recognised. So if their assessments align with mine, I’ve got my place at Exeter Uni.

“Fingers crossed hoping they guessed right. There’s a lot riding on this. But they’re well-paid professionals, they’ll have taken it very seriously.”

Mr Brennan said: “Oliver who? Haven’t the faintest clue who he is. I probably put him down for a C.”

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Cat loves whichever family member is most indifferent to it

A FAMILY cat has decided to bestow her affection on whichever member of the household cares about her the least.

Molly, a four-year-old black and white cat, shuns those who feed her, coo over her or empty her litter-tray, but lavishes love on anyone who shows no interest in her comfort or well-being.

Owner Emma Bradford said: “I do everything for that cat. I spoon her disgusting wet food into her bowl, I clean up her vomit, I get up at night to let her in, I pay her vet’s bills.

“But the minute she comes in the room she makes a beeline for Phil, my husband whose sole voluntary interaction with her is moving her out of the way of the fridge door with his foot.

“It’s galling to think that she doesn’t appreciate anything I do for her. I’m always asking if she wants to come sit on my lap but she just gives me this disdainful look. What if I stop feeding you, bitch? What then?”

“I guess I’m stuck caring for this adorably heartless creature, and the worst thing is I’m still desperate for her to like me. Maybe she’ll come round. ”

Molly, curled up next to Phil on the sofa, shivered with horror at the very thought.