A-Level student wins first choice of average university and piss-easy course

AN A-Level student is celebrating getting the grades to go to a low-level university and do a course that will mean he can stay in bed most days.

Stephen Malley, 18, got one C and two Ds, winning him a not-very-prized place at Bedfordshire University in September to study Leisure and Tourism.

Malley said: “It’s fantastic to know I’ve got into somewhere not too demanding. I feel like all the hard work I didn’t do has really paid off.

“My parents have saved for the last 15 years for me to go to university but as far as I can tell they just knobbed around so why can’t I? 

“Just because education is expensive now shouldn’t take away my right to play computer games, get into shit bands and not wash my socks.

“Also university is basically a three-year course on planning a really nice gap year afterwards to relax from all the intensive relaxing.”

Malley’s father Iain said: “Stephen thinks we saved for his university fees so that he’ll have a bright future, but it’s actually a fund to get rid of him in a socially acceptable way.”

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Pedants literally give up over misuse of 'literally'

BRITAIN’S pedants have conceded defeat over the persistent misuse of the word ‘literally’.

After years of pointing out that the word means ‘in a literal manner’ and not ‘like, really, really’, pedants across the UK say they have ‘thrown in the towel, literally’.

Head of the National Pedants’ Association Norman Steele said: “I need hardly point out that when I say we’ve literally thrown in the towel, there was no throwing and no towel involved. 

“We’re just getting into the spirit of linguistic slovenliness that we’re currently drowning in, or, strictly speaking, ‘in which we’re drowning’. Oh who gives a shit? We’ve lost.”

Steele has completely given up on his personal struggle against poor English, no longer rubbing out misplaced apostrophes on chalk boards outside pubs, and has adopted current dismal standards instead.

He said: “I should of done this years ago, lol. Hey it feelz goood not being a looser who cares about using words properly, feel me? I still draw the line at emoticons though.”

Member of the public Francesca Johnson said: “These grammar pedants think they’re so superior to ordinary folk. They’re literally shitting on us from a great height.”